Thursday, May 22, 2008

Five Years

Before I start this post, I'm putting a warning on it. I'm doing this because it was recently brought to my attention that someone had said they didn't like reading my blog because it had too much personal information in it. That said, the following post contains some very personal information. If you do not wish to know personal information about me, please discontinue reading at this time.

Yeah, as if anyone will stop reading after that :)!

Today I was reflecting on some things in my life, and inevitably began thinking about the struggles with infertility that Chris and I have faced. It was five years ago in June that we naively started "trying" to expand our family. I remember I was SO excited I could hardly contain myself! I wanted to tell everyone that soon I would be pregnant, and soon I would be a mom, something I had wanted so badly ever since I could remember. As time went by, I remember being so grateful that I had not shared with anyone that we we were trying. In fact, most everyone reading this may be very surprised that it's been that long. We kept it quiet for a long time for several reasons. First, if things would have gone accordingly to our plan, we would have been just-out-of-college, poor, financially unstable, apartment dwellers bringing a child into the world. That didn't bother us, but we didn't want the criticism of those who would offer unsolited opinions. Also, it was no one else's business. Once upon a time, I was a very private person about these kinds of things, so I didn't share it. Third, after about a year or so had gone by with no success, I started to feel embarrassed and ashamed. Why was my body not working properly? What was wrong with me?

Of course, I kept telling myself that nothing was really wrong. Maybe we were just stressed. Maybe our timing was off. Maybe this... maybe that. Maybe I was in denial. Yep, I think that was it.

I don't think anyone wants to really face the fact that things may not go according to their best laid plans. I sure didn't. Because of this, I didn't even discuss it with my doctor until it had been over two years. If you are reading this and struggling with getting pregnant, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! I suffered through a lot of female health problems simply because I was too embarrassed to tell my doctor. I felt so flawed, and I didn't want anyone else to know.

So, here we are, five years later. We've been through so many failed cycles, (some medicated, some not), that I can't even begin to count them. In one way it feels like we are no closer to our goal of expanding our family than we were when we first began this journey, but that's not really true. My body is more ready than it ever has been to accept and sustain a pregnancy (or so the doc says). Will it ever actually happen though?

In some ways it is HARD for me to imagine having the family that I'd planned to have at this point in my life. There are so many things that Chris and I maybe would have missed out on if things had gone accordingly to our plan. Things that I would have HATED to miss... like perhaps my career or the traveling that we do or our mission trip to Zambia this summer (3 weeks until we leave...eek!) Who's to say for sure how life would be different, but it would certainly be different! And there are SO many things that I love about my life right now!

These past five years have been incredibly hard. Hard in a way that someone who hasn't been through this probably can't understand. However, I have learned (and am still learning) a great deal from the struggles that we've experienced. I've learned that I MUST trust God. I've learned that God is in control, not me (very hard lesson for me, let me tell ya). I've learned that you never know what kind of private pain someone may be experiencing, so tread softly. Here's a great example of this: On Mother's Day a gentleman said to me, "Happy Mother's Day! Oh wait, you're not a mom... maybe you should work on that, hahaha. " Now, this man is a VERY nice person, and I know that he didn't mean that maliciously or to hurt me in ANY way. But it did... it stung to the core. I thought for a minute I was going to throw up right then and there (and I thought my mom might do the same!). He just didn't know, and that's ok... but I am more sensitive to things like that for other people because of what I've been through. And I think that's a good thing. There's definitely been hidden blessings in all of this.

If you actually made it to the end of this post with me, I'm sorry for rambling on and on. I just had to get all this out of my head (and Chris is still in Japan!) I hope and pray that we won't see another five years go by without our dream of being parents coming true, but if it does happen like that, I know it will be ok. I am a child of God, and God is always there for His children.


Angie said...

Wow! This is really moving. I think I may have said some insensitive things before and I am sorry for putting my foot in my mouth.

Earl Gearl said...

Tear. Five years. I had no idea it had been quite that long. Life just loves to throw us curveballs. I have been feeling really down lately. We just "celebrated" our three year anniversary. Thanks for putting that into perspective. Oh, and the financially unstable thing...yeah, been there....done that....wait! We're still there! HA!

Remeber 1 Corinthians 10:13

Mercedes said...

I thought blogs were supposed to be personal. : ) Tony and I keep praying for you. We know you will be a great mother. God is just interesting in how he works. I think we make plans for our lives he laughs. Tony and I have had painful past couple of years and couldn't understand what God is doing. We can't quite see the scope yet, but I believe it is starting to come into focus. It is so hard to understand during the moments, but at times looking back it makes perfect sense. Okay I am rambling. Basically, hang in there and have fun in Zambia. It is beautiful I am so jealous.

Tracy said...

I can't understand why someone would think your blog is too personal. I thought that was how ours were suppose to be. It keeps me connected with friends and helps me vent. I am impressed you looked at a stuggle as a positive situation. You are more humble, since I met you in Oct. Trails do make you strong! Hang in there and keep telling your doctor about what's going on.

Anonymous said...

Know that we love you and continually pray for you and Chris. Hugs!

Holley said...

You know in some way I know how you feel...but you still have HOPE, remember that! I love and miss you:)

Michelle said...

It's me again. I'm not a blogger stalker, I just think about you from time to time since stumbling across your blog a few months ago. I thought I would check back in on what's been going on. Still praying it all works out for you!