One year ago

I've been having some very vivid, very real dreams lately. I've heard that this is a pregnancy thing, but it is still pretty crazy. My dreams are so real that after I wake up, I have to really think about whether or not whatever happened in the dream actually happened in real life.

Last night I dreamed about my Aunt Diana.

I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I guess I should say more than usual because I think about her every day anyway. It was around a year ago that she was first diagnosed with Leukemia. I don't remember the exact date, but I do remember the exact conversation when my mom told me the devastating news. Mom called me before work one morning (it was either a Monday or a Tuesday). I was in the bathroom fixing my hair, so I put her on speakerphone and was going about my business. Mom couldn't hardly squeak the news out to me. When she finally did, I was so shocked I felt nothing. Or, maybe I was feeling so much that it just made me numb. I remember I kept saying, What?!? to her on the phone. My brain would not process the information.

As the day went on, of course it was on my mind, but I truly didn't believe it. I just knew that the diagnosis had to be wrong (there was some confusion with the diagnosis at first, so that only fed my denial). I can't even begin to imagine how her husband, daughter, and son felt during those first days (or even now). There was no way that my aunt had cancer... it just couldn't be possible.

But she did.

And the unthinkable happened.

And we miss her so much.

She was so real last night in my dream that my heart aches with a very fresh ache today. I know that our family will never be the same, and that losing her has changed us forever. I just hope that the influence of her life will always be stronger than the influence of her death.