My whole life, I've wanted to be a mom. As pretty much everyone knows, I waited and prayed and hoped and prayed and wished and prayed for the privilege of being a parent. I thank God every day for the blessing of my babies, and I truly feel that being a mom is a perfect fit for me. But you know what? Some days, being a parent is hard. Super hard.
Well, today was one of those days. And I'm just going to be really candid here: I'm discouraged.
There was nothing major that happened today. It was just a string of little things that have worn me down all day long. Well, and yesterday, too. That wasn't exactly what I would call a smooth day either.
Brenson had his 6 month immunizations yesterday, so he was pretty fussy most of the afternoon (as expected). During music class, Brianna acted pretty terrible. She wouldn't listen and decided that she didn't really want to participate much. Then, she got into a pushing match with two other kids in the class. I actually had to take her out during class. Talk about a walk of shame.
Today, Brenson didn't nap much and had a blowout during lunch (we went out with a friend). Brianna tested her boundaries and was having trouble listening pretty much all morning, then played in her bed for over an hour before falling asleep for nap. Then, when she woke up she was in a mood (undoubtedly due to not getting her nap out), and Brenson was tired but wouldn't sleep so he was super fussy. We generally eat out for dinner on Wednesdays then head to Bible study. Well, both kids acted pretty terrible during dinner and made a bit of a scene. Brianna wouldn't sit and made a huge mess, and Brenson fussed and squealed and carried on. See? Nothing big. . . just enough to wear this Momma down.
However, the final straw was tonight during Bible study. During the summer, we have guest speakers on Wednesday nights and the kids don't have classes. Brenson was fussy from the beginning. I took him out initially, thought he was calm, and brought him back in. Then, Bri started acting up, so Chris took Bren and I took Bri. Chris pretty much spent the entire service in the nursery rocking a very fussy Brenson, while I wrestled with Brianna. She wouldn't sit still and wouldn't be quiet and kept crying out. I don't even know how many times I took her out. Oh, and of course she had to go potty during the service as well. It didn't matter what I did, she was not going to behave tonight. Of course with all this commotion, I heard very little of the lesson. ARGH.
I think the most frustrating thing is that Brianna is generally a very well-behaved little girl. However, for whatever reason, church brings out the worst in her. Tonight is pretty much the worst she's ever been, but we do struggle with her behavior pretty often at church. Of course, this is the place that I want her to be on her best behavior so badly . . . maybe she knows that and that's why she acts up? I really have no idea. I just know that Chris and I were both completely frustrated by her behavior tonight.
And we don't know what to do.
We are consistent with praise when she acts in appropriate ways and punishment when she does not. We talk to her about our expectations ahead of time, and try to make sure she's had enough sleep, food, etc before we go. At some point, she's going to catch on, right? What else can we do? I'm open to suggestions.
One thing I do know for sure about parenting is that it is humbling. And hard. And that it requires a lot of prayer. And sometimes, it makes me feel grossly inadequate and like a big fat failure (hello today).
I just love this little face
and this little face
so, so much, and I want to do right by them. I want to teach them the right things and guide them in the right way. I want to help them to become who God wants them to be. I want to enjoy being with my babies. I don't want to feel like a failure.
For tonight though, I'm off to bed. Here's hoping that some good rest will bring a renewed spirit.