Monday, January 7, 2013

Not today

I've come here to write several times, but no words come to me. I have so much I want to say . . . So much I need to say. Right now though, it's all a big jumbled mess in my head. I know it will come with time, and in time I will write about what happened.

For now though, I can't.

Like I said in my previous post, I knew when we went to the doctor last Wednesday that we would not be receiving good news. There had just been too much bleeding and cramping the night before. At first, I really wrestled with the fact that we had announced this pregnancy to our entire world - through Facebook, my blog, at church, and on our Christmas card - literally one week prior to losing the baby. Why didn't we just wait a little while longer? I thought we were in the "safe" zone. We had seen the baby and heard its heartbeat three different times. I was 13 weeks along. But why oh why didn't we wait just a little longer???

Now, however, I'm glad that things went the way they did. Waiting longer wouldn't have taken this hurt away. And because everyone knew, we have had an enormous amount of support and such an outpouring of love from so many people. Some of them would have known either way, but many would not have. We've had visits, calls, people bringing food, sending flowers, cards, etc. I've had countless text messages from friends - some texting every day to check on me. The wordless hugs we received at church yesterday were irreplaceable. The sweet comments from you all on here and that we received on Facebook have meant so much. I've had a number of people private message me to let me know that they've been through this, too. And of course, the prayers . . . the prayers have meant more than I can say.

Eventually, I also want to finish telling you all the story of my pregnancy with B3. That's what we called the baby - B3 - and that's how I'll always think of him/her. Not now though. I can't do it just yet.

So for now, you'll soon be seeing a post about Brenson turning 11 months old. You'll hopefully see a Christmas post in the near future. And as it comes to me- as I can sort and process - you'll see some pretty raw posts about the emotions I'm going through right now.

But not today.

In the meantime, we covet your prayers and so appreciate all of your support.


Emily said...

thinking of you! i know parts of you regret sharing the news...but you are blessing others with your story. think of all the women who may be going through something similar and can relate to you and see how you draw on the Lord during such difficult circumstances. you are so strong but remember that it's okay to also be weak at times. Let us lift you up and share in that burden of pain. Praying for you and your sweet family! i think it's wonderful that you plan to share B3's story as you do want to cherish that time in your life and I'm sure writing about it all will also hopefully help you have some peace!

Heather said...

Oh girl, I am so sorry!!! I just saw this and my heart is just broken for you. I wish i could just give you a hug and share tears with you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sarah said...

Oh my the all the craziness I havent been keeping up with blogs and missed the news that you were expecting. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will be praying for a recovery of both your body and heart.

Johannah said...

I can't imagine what you are going through...but i'm thinking and praying for you and your family.

Cori said...

So sorry to hear of your loss. I can relate to those feelings of wishing I hadn't told people for the sake of having to reopen the wound everytime you have to go through telling them about the loss. I also felt, however, after a few months had passed how glad I was like you said I have those same people in the know about the entire journey. It became a part of my life and who I was and for that reason it was important for those people that knew me best to know everything about me. I still pray for healing for you and your family.

Cheryl said...

I'm still praying for you! It's wonderful all of the support you have received from everyone in your life. That has to help but I also know that prayers and God's love is what keeps us going after a loss such as this.

Kriss said...


Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Thinking of you. Hold those sweet babies tight.