Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Details: Part Five

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

I was going to try and make this my last "Details" post, but it ended up being way too long. So, there will be a Part Six.

After switching to Chris's car because the battery was dead on my car, we headed to my friend Angie's school to drop Brianna off. I had asked Angie to watch Bri for us while we went to the ultrasound, and she was working in her classroom at school (she's a teacher) when I called. She was more than willing to go home to watch Bri, but it was easier for everyone to just drop Bri off at the school. That way, Angie could work and Brianna would have plenty to do (and there were no kids there . . . they were still on Winter Break). At this point, Angie was one of the 3 people who knew what was going on. I didn't want to tell anyone anything until we knew for sure, but I had texted a bit with my mom about the bleeding, we told Lisa (my sister) who was at our house watching Brenson for us, and I told Angie since she was watching Bri.

We got to the appointment with just a few minutes to spare. I was still feeling awful. I was incredibly weak, lightheaded, had major head congestion, cough, and a sore throat. Stevie (Dr. N's nurse) had told me that I would be seeing Megan, Dr. N's PA and not actually Dr. N (he was performing surgery). Either way was fine by me. I just wanted to get some answers.

The nurse (not Stevie, the other one and I don't know her name so I'll just call her Nurse) did the usual drill of getting my blood pressure, weight, etc. She then had me tell her all about what happened. I'm not sure why though? Megan had me retell her everything when she came in. I was surprisingly relaxed when Megan began the ultrasound. I closed my eyes for it because I was very afraid of seeing a lifeless baby on the screen. After a few minutes of silence as Megan moved the wand around, she simply said, "I'm sorry, there is no fetus." Just thinking about those words make my stomach a little sick even now. I didn't get emotional at all in that moment. I just looked at Megan and then to the ultrasound screen where I just saw a bunch of undefined "stuff". I said, "So I passed the baby already?" and Megan replied, "Yes, I'm so sorry." She then told me to get dressed and she would be back in to talk to me.

I was so stoic at this point as I got dressed. Chris was very emotional, but I just couldn't go there. I had information to gather and questions to ask and I just couldn't let myself feel anything in that moment. I wonder what Nurse and Megan thought of me? I wonder if they think I didn't care or if they think I didn't want my baby or what. Of course, that wasn't the case at all, but I was probably giving off that message.

When Megan came back in the room, she didn't have a whole lot of information. She told me that I should expect more bleeding. She said that it will probably be painful. I asked if the bleeding would be anything like it was the night before, and she said yes. She told me that the pain and bleeding could be up to ten times what a normal period is. This was shocking to me, but when she offered to write me a script for narcotic pain meds, I knew that I could expect some serious pain again. I turned down the script, but did ask about a D&C. I really just wanted it to be over at this point. She said that since I had started this process naturally, that they (meaning she and Dr. N) thought that I should continue it naturally. I really didn't get this at all. Did she know how tired I was? How weak I felt? That I had been sick for a week and was still sick? Didn't she know that my heart was broken??? But, I just said okay and we left. Actually, before we left I got a Rhogam shot because I'm a negative blood type.

On the way out, I scheduled a follow-up appointment for Tuesday, January 8th. I still hadn't cried, but as soon as Chris and I were alone in the car the tears started flowing. We sat there for several minutes and just cried together. We were so brokenhearted. We wanted this baby so badly, and already loved him/her so much. After a few minutes, we headed to Sonic for a drink. On the way there, Chris told me that my mom had texted during the appointment to say that she was on her way to our house (she lives about 2 1/2 hours away). We decided to not call her and tell her the news while she was driving, and just to tell her when she arrived at our house. Of course, she pretty much knew anyway and that was why she was coming. I also decided to wait until we got back to the house to tell my sister. I knew that telling people over the phone would be so hard. My plan actually didn't work out as someone called the house before we got home (and yes, I felt horrible about this).

The first person I did call was my brother. I just cried as I told him that we had lost the baby, and he became emotional as well. At this time, my dad was on a mission trip in Mexico, so my brother asked me if I had told my dad yet. I hadn't because I just didn't know if I should. I mean, he was in Mexico and my instinct was to tell him, but I just wasn't sure. Jeremy (my brother) offered to take care of telling my dad and I was SO relieved. I just don't know that I could have called and told him myself.

After getting something to drink, we headed across town to get Brianna (remember that we had to take her to Dr. F's office to make sure she was okay since she had also been sick for almost a week). On the way there, I called my friend Tia and told her. That was a very hard call to make. Tia and her husband lost their baby at 38 weeks last May, and I was so afraid that this would bring up too many hard emotions for them. She was shocked when I told her, and decided to meet us at Dr. F's office right then.

When I went in to Angie's school to get Brianna, I tried really hard to put on a happy face for my child. I didn't want Brianna to be scared. I mouthed to Angie that the baby was gone when I first walked in her room, then concentrated on my little girl. She was such a ray of sunshine in that moment . . . so excited to have spent several hours at school playing and exploring. I was so thankful to have her with us in that moment. I asked Angie if she would tell our other close friends. I just couldn't sit and make phone call after phone call to let people know what happened. I felt bad for not telling several of my close friends personally, but I just couldn't. While I ran into the school to get Bri, Chris called his mom and told her. He had such a hard time with this and was so emotional. In hindsight, I am very thankful that I saw him really break down about B3, even though it was hard at the time because since then, he hasn't been near as emotional about it as I have. It helps reassure me that we are on the same page even if we are manifesting it differently.

We headed over to Dr. F's office with Brianna, and at this point I was beginning to feel some cramp-like pain again. It wasn't bad, but it was definitely there. Chris took Bri in to her appointment as I was still just feeling so weak and generally "icky". Tia drove over to Dr. F's office from her work, so I sat in her car with her during Bri's appointment. Oh, and Bri was okay. There was nothing major going on . . . just a nasty virus that had to run its course (and she was on the up-side of it by this time). Tia and I just sat and talked and cried and it was SO good to have her there. It had been eight months and one day since I had sat with her at the hospital and talked and cried about her precious baby, and while our situations are different, we both felt a deep, heartbreaking sense of loss. I honestly don't remember a lot of what we talked about, but I do remember her telling me that she would spread the word to our church family. I remember because it was exactly what I had done for her 8 months previous, and I just felt like it was so wrong that two friends had to carry that burden for one another. At the same time, I felt so blessed that she was there to carry that burden. A double-edged sword, no doubt.

As we were driving home, I began to feel increasingly more and more pain. The closer we got to home, the more the pain was coming and going like contractions and the more painful it was becoming. By the time we got home, I rushed into the bathroom in too much pain to even stand up straight. I passed a ton more tissue and blood, but the pain continued. My mom arrived at my house just minutes after we got there, and Chris told her the news. Again, I was grateful that I was spared from doing it. My poor Mom was sick with the same junk that we had, so she was exhausted from her drive. The rest of this evening is a blur. I was in severe pain for the next hour or so, so I just laid on the couch and tried to breathe. Lisa left to go home, and Tia brought food and meds over for us. Then, she and Chris left about the same time to go to Bible study. I felt bad that Chris went alone, but he really wanted to be there. I thought I was so exhausted that sleep would come easily that night, but it didn't. At all. I tossed and I turned and my brain raced for hours. My body ached, my heart ached, and my empty arms ached.

I'll finish this story up in the next part.


R said...

Psa 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him.

We sure do love you guys!

Cheryl said...

My heart hurts for you as you continue to heal. I believe writing/sharing this will be a great healer for you and a strength for someone else in the same situation.