A Most Gracious Gift

 Today was Mother's Day, and this day always gets me in my feels more than any other. 

The scars left on my heart from the years we yearned for children and begged God to grow our family will never go away. They may not ache daily like they used to, but they will remain with me always. 

I can't help but think of how hard Mother's Day was for me and how hard it is for so many others. I will never forget how heavy my empty arms felt.

That feeling of hopelessness and the dark cloud that seemed to hang over us always made permanent marks on my heart. I will always remember the babies we didn't get to bring home. 

But God. His care, love, goodness, and faithfulness never waivered. 

His strength and comfort were there exactly when we needed it the most. 

He never let us be overtaken in the storm,

and He never failed to comfort our hearts. 

His love is a balm when we are weary, and His mercies are new every morning. 

He blessed us with abundantly more than we could have imagined. 

Being a mother is one of the greatest privileges of my life. 

The perspective we have because of the struggles we have endured is such a gift.

And even on days when I feel weary, overstimulated, frustrated, and just DONE, I try to always remember that I'm living what I prayed for. 

What a beautiful and gracious gift!

The End of an Era

Today is a day that has been full of all the emotions. Today was the twins' last day of second grade. Today was our last day as a Catalayah family as we have officially made the decision that Brooke and Brecklyn will be homeschooled next year along with Brianna and Brenson. Today is the end of a season . . . of an era, if you will. 

Brecklyn and Brooke . . . the last day of second grade!

Brooke Ellie

Look how much her face has matured!

Brecklyn Sarah

Looking so much more grown up!

Yesterday, we went to Rise & Shine with the girls knowing it would be our last day attending Rise & Shine as a Catalayah family, and I can't even put into words the flood of emotions I felt. I remember so clearly going to Rise & Shine when Brianna was in Kindergarten (in 2015!) and feeling very emotional. Today - 7 1/2 years later - going into Rise & Shine was just as emotional for me. Catalayah has been a major part of our family during this season . . . so many relationships built, milestones reached, hours volunteered, and obstacles overcome. 

Brecklyn at Rise & Shine

Brooke at Rise & Shine

In so many ways, our family has grown up at Catalayah. While I'm excited, confident, and hopeful for the next season of life that Catalayah will not be part of, the feelings are very bittersweet today. 

The last day going through the morning drop-off line

Watching my babies walk into the building for the last time

I'm a different mom than I was 7.5 years ago, and I'm ready to embrace what that means for me and my children. However, in order to fully embrace it, I have to let go of what is comfortable for now. I have to walk away from a part of life that has been meaningful, impactful, and wonderful. I am confident that homeschooling all four children is going to be amazing and what is best for everyone, but that doesn't mean letting go of what was is easy. I am ready, but also a little sad. Somehow at the same time, though, today feels like a weight has been lifted. 

Brecklyn and Brooke have both done wonderful in second grade, but I feel that has more to do with who they are than with where they were. They each had 28 students in their class, so for two girls who are academically high and well behaved, being in such large classes meant they were essentially invisible. Brecklyn had an excellent teacher who we really loved - and she did her very best to meet Brecklyn's needs - but her hands were just too full. Brooke had a teacher that was good for her in many ways, but she also had a class full of rowdy boys who needed most of the teacher's time and attention. 

I'm so proud of the girls and how they handled the challenges of the year, but we are all very excited for them to be home with us next year. For a while, I really thought they would go back to Catalayah for third grade, but I feel so much peace knowing I get to teach them, pour into them, and really meet their needs academically starting earlier than we had initially planned. 

Both girls let their good character shine this year when there was a lot of chaos going on around them. I love the little awards Brecklyn received from her teacher because they really are so fitting for her!

She received the 'Ray of Sunshine' award for "shining your bright light in our classroom each and every day".

This one says, "for having a gentle and quiet spirit that is empathetic and compassionate to others". I hope to continue to foster these good traits in my girl!

Brecklyn's teacher has been sharing with me her plans to leave the classroom after this year and most likely homeschool her own kids. That tells me just about all I need to know about the challenges they faced at school. And Catalayah is one of the good ones!

Brooke's teacher did not do any sort of classroom awards (which was disappointing to me), but Brooke received several 'Character Counts' throughout the year. My smiley girl was always lending a helping hand to others!

Brecklyn also had a few 'Character Counts':

While my girls (and all of us) have many good memories from our time at Catalayah, it's time to close this book. Today, it feels little more bitter than sweet, but I know we are all ready for this change. I am truly so excited to have all my babies home for school, and I can't wait to get into a new routine. 

We all appreciate Catalayah for what it has given to us, and we all sincerely hope that we brought something valuable to the table, too. More than anything, we hope we let our lights shine for Jesus every day!

Celebrating Motherhood

Mother's Day always leaves me feeling reflective and melancholy. In interest of full disclosure, most years I just feel like skipping it. It just seems to be one holiday that no matter how much time has passed - no matter how much distance I seemingly have from infertility and miscarriage - it brings all those tough emotions right to the surface for me. 

That, of course, is not to say that I'm not grateful beyond words for the blessing of celebrating the day with my babies and my own amazing mother. I am. But I've learned that things can be simultaneously beautiful and difficult, wonderful and heavy, clear and murky. And for me, Mother's Day is all of those things.

This year, we are planning to be out of town for Mother's Day (t-minus 12 hours until we leave . . . eeep!), so Chris decided to recognize and celebrate Mother's Day a week early. We began by taking photos of me with each of the children for my Mother's Day Book. 

Momma and Brianna

Momma and Brenson

Momma and Brooke

Momma and Brecklyn

The kids had already written in and decorated my book for me, so I got to read that next. The book is *by far* my favorite Mother's Day gift to receive each year, and I just cherish it so much. 

Finally, I opened a few gifts. Chris got me two new hiking sticks that I'll *hopefully* be able to use on our upcoming trip. We have some great hikes planned!

Another gift this year was an order for 12 Mixtiles to put in our entryway. I have been thinking about displaying some photos of our travels for a while, and I am SO excited for this! I'm going to wait to order until after our trip.

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of being a mother. May I never forget that I'm living the life I used to pray so hard for!

New Beginnings

I have an announcement!

*Drum Roll Please*

Chris started a new job! Hooray!!! 👏👏👏

After Chris resigned from his job back in December, we took a few weeks to just breathe. He needed some time to decide how to move forward and what direction he wanted to go in. We knew that the vast majority of places he was interested in would not be interviewing or hiring during December, and I thought that enjoying the holidays without the stress of job hunting would be best for everyone. 

The thing was - as stressful as not having a job or primary income should have been, it just wasn't. My mom even said to Chris one afternoon, "You don't seem stressed like I thought you might." And he wasn't. When not having a job is far less stressful than the job he had, I think that speaks volumes about how it was truly time for a change. While there were certainly moments of stress or worry, we felt overwhelmingly peaceful. We were able to soak up time as a family, and the kids loved having Daddy home. We did our best to make the most of the situation, and it ended up being exactly what we needed.  

However, once January came, we knew Chris needed to get serious about job hunting. While we were okay financially for a while, we couldn't sustain having no income for too long. On Monday, January 3rd, Chris hit the ground running with submitting applications, making connections, reaching out to people he knows, and taking an online training for a specialized certification. We knew this could potentially be a long process, and we didn't want to waste any time. That first week he was able to have several promising conversations, a "virtual" coffee, and set up two interviews. I'd call that a success!

As a *sort of* side-note, I want to say that I was very grateful he was able to take an online training during this time. It was a time intensive training, and we treated it like it was his job until he completed it. He worked on it during business hours, and it was super helpful for everyone that he had something to occupy his time, attention, and focus. I think things would have been much harder with too much extra time on his hands. He also helped me run the kid taxi with school drop-off, pick-up, basketball practice, co-op, etc. That was a really nice break for me, too!

All the interviews Chris had during this time were "virtual" interviews, conducted through Google Meets or something similar. That was certainly different than what we had experienced before, and presented a bit of a challenge when interview times fell at a time that we were all home. His first virtual interview was scheduled for 4:00-5:00pm one afternoon. I made sure we all had things to quietly occupy our time while he interviewed, and it ended up lasting until almost 6:00pm! However, that interview did lead to the job he started earlier this week, so it was worth it!

In addition to virtual interviews, several of the good leads Chris had for jobs were ones that would require him to work from home at least part of the time. We both feel like this is the new world we live in, so we determined that we would do our best to embrace it. It was good that we had several weeks to wrap our minds around him working from home because the job he ultimately took is one where he works from home full time.

About the third week of January - and after several virtual interviews with different companies - he was called for a follow-up interview with the company that he was most excited and hopeful about. That phone call lasted well over an hour, and at the end of the call the interviewer told Chris they would try to put an offer together for him within about a week. That felt very promising, and we were cautiously excited.

Chris received a text about a week later stating that they were still working on an offer and to please be patient with them. A few days later, an offer came through. Chris negotiated a few points of the offer and signed a revised offer letter the next day. We were so very grateful and relieved!

From the time Chris signed the offer letter, it took about two weeks to get all the paperwork and equipment ready for him to begin working. The company shipped him a computer, monitors, and docking station to set up his home office. We ordered a desk and purchased an office chair. We had several discussions about the best place for his home office to be, and we ultimately decided that the corner of our master bedroom would be best for now.   

We feel like we have several good options for a more permanent office solution, but we need to make sure this is going to be a long-term situation before we move on creating him a better office space. For now, we are going to make this work!

At the beginning of this process, we recognized there was a solid possibility that our situation might take months to resolve. We didn't know if Chris would find a job easily or quickly, and that certainly felt scary at times. We tried to keep our focus on God and faith in His true hope and security, but it wasn't always easy.  

We are SO very grateful that things moved quickly for us, and that Chris is working again. We are hopeful and excited about his new job, and pray that this will be a place where Chris can thrive and grow as a person and professional. We thank God daily that things turned out the way they did for now. I truly believe that sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same!