Jordan

How do you even begin a post like this? It's hard, and I've been putting if off. I know if I don't write it, however, I'll regret not having the memories and emotions preserved. So here goes.

I first met Jordan around 2008. I honestly don't remember exactly. She was my friend Tia's work friend, and I just remember thinking how much energy and life the woman brought to the room. She was always chatty and never awkward or shy like me. Seriously, SO MUCH ENERGY all the time. 

We bonded over our mutual friend and being together at gatherings that Tia arranged or hosted. We both blogged and enjoyed following each others' lives in that way, too. I always enjoyed her, and it wasn't long before I started referring to her as "the other woman". I mean, what else do you call your best friend's other best friend?!? 

Chelley, Jordan, and Tia at The Melting Pot to celebrate with Tia before she had Lucy

After Tia lost Lucy, Jordan and I were bonded in a different way. We were both there at the hospital just shortly after Tia received the news that Lucy's heart wasn't beating. We were both at the funeral and the graveside . . . the only non-family there. We cried together on the phone when we talked about how Ross and Tia would have to go home with empty arms from the hospital to a house all set up for a baby. We talked a lot during that season as we were trying to figure out how to navigate loving our friend through the storm.

Jordan was one of the first people to reach out to me when we lost B3 at the beginning of 2013. She, too, had been through miscarriage and knew the heart break that it brought. On the day that her youngest daughter, Evelyn, was born fast and furious, I found out I was pregnant with twins. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer in the summer of 2017, I was still reeling from losing Bristol. I just sent her a text message that said, "I don't know what to say. Life is so hard sometimes. I hate this for you, and I love you." 

To say that I stood by her as she fought the ups and downs of cancer for the next four years feels a bit disingenuous. I did do a few things to support her . . . reached out to her, sent gift cards for her family, etc . . . but I really poured my energy into supporting Tia. Tia poured her heart and soul into supporting Jordan and her family, so I poured my heart into making sure Tia had a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and someone to stand with her. Of course, I still saw Jordan at birthday parties and gatherings, and it was always good to be with her. But my main energy went to supporting Tia so she could support Jordan.

At the beginning of September, Tia reached out to Jordan, Jennifer, and myself to plan a girls night out. We were going to eat, get a hotel room, and just be together. We joked in the text stream that none of us even cared where we went to eat, as long as none of us had to beg a child to eat or clean up someone else's mess. Jordan mentioned in the stream that she might be too weak to physically go anywhere, so we ultimately decided to order food in instead. At that time, I knew she wasn't doing well, but I didn't realize just how sickly she was. 

We set our girls night out (or "in" actually) for September 24th. We were all excited for the opportunity to just be together and catch up.

And then Jordan got the news. On September 20th, Tia shared with me that Jordan had been given two to three weeks left to live. I was shocked. Maybe I was just not being as aware as I should have been, but it took me by surprise. On Sunday, September 26, I went with Tia after church to visit Jordan. Tia had warned me that Jordan was very yellow due to liver failure, but I was still taken aback by how yellow she really was. He belly was very distended, and she was so weak. She wasn't able to get out of bed at all, and couldn't talk much due to meds she was taking for comfort. It hit me so hard that someone so full of life and energy all the time was as sick and weak as she was.

For the next days, I helped Tia do all the things Tia was doing to help Jordan and her family. She had set up a shopping list for people to send supplies to the family, so I helped her unload and organize all that so the family could use it. I helped her answer messages regarding a meal train and funding campaign for the family. And I listened and grieved with my friend.

On October 1st, Tia called me and simply said, "4:30pm". I knew exactly what she was telling me. We had a short moment together, but I have cried and mourned privately many times since. Jordan's memorial service was last Saturday, and I was so grateful that Angie met me there so I would have someone to walk in and sit with. Tia and her family sat with the family, exactly where they belonged. 

My hearts hurts so much for my friend Tia and for Jordan's three daughters, who are all about the same age as my kiddos. Shock about the whole situation still washes over me at times, and I suppose it will for years to come. Death is so hard, but it's also a part of life. These experiences make me all the more grateful for the hope we have in Christ. 

Springfield for the Weekend

This past weekend we traveled up to Springfield, Missouri for the big kids to run in the National Homeschool Running Invitational. We had a good running weekend, but our short trip was overshadowed by other life events that were happening which I'll share all about. 

The running meet was on the morning of Saturday, October 24th, but I want to start this post back on Friday, October 16th. After a normal day, we enjoyed a backyard fire and roasted marshmallows in the beautiful autumn weather. 

Around 8:00pm, I received a phone call from my friend, Kendall, and immediately thought how odd it was for her to call on a Friday evening. When I answered, she shared with me that our friend, Amy, had been taken to the hospital in Branson (where she and her husband Matt had been for a little fall break trip) earlier that day with symptoms related to her pregnancy and was currently being transported to a better hospital in Springfield. At the time, Amy was only 23 weeks and 5 days along, so we were extremely alarmed and concerned for her. Kendall had only briefly spoken to Matt, and we didn't have many details at that time.

After a series of scary events, Briar June was born in the evening on Monday, October 19th at 24 weeks. She was super tiny but as healthy as could be expected. Amy had severe pre-eclampsia that was causing her body to shut down. The doctor told Matt that they either take Briar or prepare to lose both Amy and Briar. It was a very grave situation, and we were hurting for our dear friend and everything she was going through. Due to COVID restrictions, NO ONE was able to visit Matt and Amy at the hospital . . . not even their parents. They felt SO far away, and our hearts just ached for them. At the same time, we were hopeful and rejoicing that Briar was alive and doing well. 

Fast forward to Friday, October 23rd. Our plan was to leave early that morning to drive to Springfield for the running meet, but spend Friday morning in Mansfield, MO at the Laura Ingalls Wilder house. At 3:00pm on Friday afternoon, the big kids were scheduled to meet with their team to run the course and have one last practice before competition on Saturday morning. 

We ended up leaving our house almost a full hour later than we had planned (which is not normal for us at all!), then made a stop for coffee before leaving town. While we were sitting in a drive-thru waiting for our coffee, Amy texted me asking if we would be able to go by her house in Tulsa, pick up a few things for her, and drop them off at the hospital in Springfield. I had told Amy earlier in the week that I would be more than happy to bring her whatever she needed, so of course I was happy to do that for her. She thought we weren't planning to leave town until that evening (which is why she didn't text until that morning), but it all worked out fine in the end. This is one time that us running late put us exactly where we needed to be! 

I told the kids that our plans had changed, and we were going to help Amy instead of visit the Wilder House. They were so great about it, and everyone agreed that we'd rather help Amy than have our own fun! So, instead of heading toward Springfield, we went in the opposite direction toward Owasso first, then Tulsa. 

Our reason for going to Owasso was two-fold. First, I had spent the past few days collecting funds from several of Amy's closest friends to put together a gift basket for her and Matt. I felt like they needed something from their people while they were in the hospital, and I needed to go shopping for all the gift basket items. After we finished the shopping, the second thing we needed to do was go by Amy's school to pick up some paperwork and her laptop for her. 

Once we finished our business in Owasso, we drove to Matt and Amy's house in Tulsa. Amy's parents were there and had packed a bag of stuff for Amy. I went into the house by myself, and it was a hard visit to make. Amy's parents (who I've known for nearly two decades) were understandably emotional and worried about Amy, Matt, and Briar. The house looked like Amy and Matt had left it to take a fun trip, fully expecting to return in a few days. Yet, everything changed. Here it was over a week later, and they had no idea how much longer they'd be in Springfield. 

I was very emotional once I got back in our van and we began the trip toward Springfield. Briar was a baby we had all waited SO long for, and we just wanted to keep her with us more than we could say. 

Because of our detour through Owasso and Tulsa, we had to stop for lunch on the way to Springfield. It was almost time for us to meet with the team at the running course by the time we got into town, so we headed there and let the kids play for a bit. The trees were incredibly beautiful and so vibrant . . . it truly took my breath away!

Brooke and Brecklyn

This picture doesn't come close to doing the scenery justice!

The running course wound around these gorgeous trees and was just breathtaking!

Once practice concluded, I got in contact with Matt to deliver the stuff they needed from home, as well as the gift basket. The basket was full of all kinds of goodies and tons of gift cards. I took this photo to send to all the people that contributed toward the basket.

We weren't able to go into the hospital, but Matt met us in the parking lot. He was in high spirits, although he looked completely exhausted. They had found out that Briar had a brain bleed, but she was holding her own despite this. Visiting with Matt was simultaneously so good and so painful for my heart. It felt really unfair to not be able to see or hug Amy, and I hated that she was so isolated. We weren't able to visit with Matt for long because he was on his way to get Amy food (and because he only had shorts and t-shirts and it was FREEZING outside), but I was so grateful that we were able to see him for a bit. 

I had a hard time composing myself after driving away from the hospital, so I distracted myself with a bit of shopping at Kohl's and a dinner at IHOP. It had been a LONG and emotional day, but the kids were being so great. It brought comfort and joy to my momma heart to see how they were happy to give up the fun part of their trip to help a friend in need. After dinner, we settled into our hotel room for the night. 

We had to be back at the running course a little before 8:00am on Saturday, so we were up bright and early that morning. We had breakfast at the hotel, then joined our team for a warm-up. It was a cold, cold morning, but the kids were great sports about it!

Brooke and Brecklyn

The Owasso Falcons, 2020

Elementary girls ran first, and Brianna had a solid start.

She ran her mile in 9 minutes and 37 seconds, and placed in the top ten for her age group. That means she earned her first cross country running medal!

Bren also had a good start and a solid run.

He set a new PR, running his mile in eight minutes and ten seconds. He also placed in the top ten for his age group and earned a medal!

What a great season it's been!

Brianna and Brenson were thrilled to go home with a medal. I love that they were able to see their hard pay off!

We left the meet just before noon to go find some lunch, but before we did I wanted a few family photos. 

Love my crew!

We grabbed lunch at a local pizza joint, then started toward Oklahoma. We decided to not take the turnpike home (since we've driven that way so many times) and moseyed our way through small towns instead. We even made a few stops at junk stores . . . totally not my thing, but others in the family enjoy it!

Yesterday (Sunday, October 25th), I got the devastating news that precious baby Briar passed away. Amy's sister, Brandy, called to tell me. We were driving to evening church services at the time, so I had to fight to stay composed. After Brandy called, I had the horrible task of calling both Kendall and Angie to tell them. Later that evening - once I could really feel the news a bit more - I broke down. I can't put into words how crushed I am for Matt and Amy. I hate, hate, hate this for them so much! Life can just be so hard and so very unfair. I feel like I've cried all day today in grief for my friend and grief that has been brought up in myself. My heart is just shattered for them. Through it all, though, I know that God is good. He is loving. He grieves with us, and He hurts with us. He is faithful, and we can rejoice that Briar is safe with Him forever. And, I also know that our arms will forever ache without her. 

Am I Ready For This?!?

So, tomorrow is a big day for us around here. It's a day we've been preparing for, talking about, and anticipating for some time now. Tomorrow is the first day of school for ALL FOUR of my babies!

I've been collecting school supplies all summer because buying school supplies for four kids is no joke! This was only part of what we purchased:

I've known since the twins were born that I would have a year or two when all my kids would be going to school together, in the same building. When Brianna started school and the twins were babies, the time when they'd all be going to school together seemed so far away. HOW is it possible that's it's already here?!? I feel like I should have a few more years yet, and my heart hurts to think about how fast time is moving. 

Brenson, Brooke, Brecklyn, and Brianna

I've known this was coming all along, so it's not like it's a surprise. It should feel easier than it does tonight, but there is such a collection of jumbled up emotions tumbling around in my head. It's times like this that I miss my babies who I never got to hold with a fierce and biting sting. I wish they were here. I wish there was another little person between Brenson and the twins getting ready to go off to school. I wish there were two more little ones still at home with me.

Brianna

No matter what, I know that this transition would not be easy for me. However, I also know that my grief for the babies that are not with us is contributing the turmoil of emotions I feel tonight. Would this process be just a little bit easier if I wasn't sending all of my living babies off to school tomorrow?

Brenson

I'm almost afraid of how quiet and still the house will feel tomorrow morning after I leave everyone at school. I'm afraid of how grief might make itself known. I'm afraid of my heart feeling sad and heavy.

Brooke

I'm going to miss these babies. So much. I'm not ready for them to be growing up so fast, but who ever really is?

Brecklyn

It wasn't supposed to be this way, but sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you think it's supposed to. And for me, that makes what I have that much more precious.

Brooke and Brecklyn

So, tomorrow I will be brave. They are all so ready, and I want to be ready, too. I will be strong. I will embrace the beautiful future and new routine that lies ahead. This is a good thing, and I'm looking forward to a great year! 

Brecklyn and Mrs. C

When Brianna started school, we didn't know anyone in the building. Not one single adult or child. Everything felt new and foreign. We felt out of place, and that wasn't a good feeling.

Mrs. C and Brooke

But now, we feel like we're part of a family. We've grown to love and respect many of the adults in the building, and we've connected with other families. We feel like we belong, and that's a good thing!

Brenson and Mrs. B

So tonight, my heart is a bit eased knowing that {for now} this is where we belong. This is what is good for my babies.

Brianna with Ms. B

Tomorrow begins a new chapter for our family - one that is simultaneously exhilarating and heartbreaking. For the past nine years, I've been a stay-at-home mom who's had at least part of my kids with me all the time. A big piece of me wants to hang on to that chapter with all my might, while another piece is ready for new adventures and a new normal. Tonight, I'm feeling allllll the feels, but gratitude for the journey ahead and the journey behind is at the top of the list. 

Saying Good-bye to Grandma

On June 7th, in the early hours of the morning, Chris's beloved Grandma passed away peacefully in her sleep. Even though her death did not come as a surprise, it is still difficult to lose a grandparent. For Chris, she was the only Grandma he had who was part of his life, and she was his last living grandparent. 

Grandma was 86 years old, and the last year of her life had been especially difficult for her. Since Grandpa passed away almost two years ago (it will be two years on July 10th), we have seen her health (both mental and physical) fail rapidly. Last August (2017), Chris's parents felt like it would be best for Grandma to move in with them so they could give her full-time care. When she first moved, she could still walk, talk, and eat well. However, as the months have passed, Grandma's ability to do all of those things has declined. 

The last time we saw Grandma was in the middle of April. At that time, she was non-verbal and could no longer walk at all. She is a very petite woman, but she had lost more weight than what was probably healthy because she was losing her ability to eat. It was extremely difficult to see her in that state, when just a few months before she was still talking and walking. 

After Chris's mom discovered that Grandma had passed in her sleep during the early morning hours of Thursday, June 7th, she called Chris and me to let us know. Chris's Grandma and Grandpa were huge influences in his life. They gave him stability and unconditional love, and losing them both has left a giant hole in our hearts. Grandma was always so loving to us and to our children. It was obvious that we brought her joy, and she was one of the most hospitable people we knew. She always welcomed us into her home, gave thoughtful gifts, and had plenty of hugs to go around. Although she was non-verbal the last time we saw her, her face lit up when she saw Chris. She tried to smile at us, made eye contact, and squeezed our hands tight. She knew we loved her, and we will never doubt the love she had for us.

Grandma's obituary

I'm not sure there is ever a good time for a death to occur, but we lost Grandma during a particularly busy time of year for us. Her visitation was on Tuesday, June 12th, but we were not able to attend due to our annual VBS at church where Chris is the director and I am a teacher. Thankfully, the funeral was planned for Wednesday, June 13th during the day.

Our kids loved Grandma so much. They all understood that she was very ill and have done well with her death. 

Brianna, Brecklyn, Brenson, and Brooke at Grandma's funeral

Some people think it's strange that I take pictures at funerals, but pictures help me remember moments. And, even at a funeral, there are details and moments that I want to remember. Grandma's funeral was preached by a long-time family friend named Jess Dinsmore. He knew Grandma and Grandpa for over 30 years, and I appreciate the personal perspective that he brought to her service.

Just like at Grandpa's funeral, Grandma had requested that Chris's dad play his guitar and sing "I'd Rather Have Jesus" at her service. Mark isn't one to show much emotion, but his voice actually cracked a little when talking about his mom just before he began to play.

He also told me later that after playing that song at both of his parents' funerals, he'll probably never play it again. 

There was a good turn-out at Grandma's funeral, including Russ, Lisa, and Chloe Jo who came to support us. After the service, the family and a few close family friends went to the cemetery for the interment. 

Grandma and Grandpa had both chosen their caskets and cemetery plots and had everything prepaid. I truly feel like this was their final kind gesture for the family. Her casket and flower arrangements were beautiful! 

Unlike Grandpa's funeral where the weather was stormy, wet, muddy, and windy, the day of Grandma's funeral was sunny and HOT. After the short service at the cemetery, it was nice to go back to the church building for a meal in the air conditioning. Not too long after the meal was over, we had to head home. We had our final day of VBS that evening and didn't want to be racing against the clock.

We were able to enjoy these beautiful flowers from Grandma's service for the next week. Every time I saw them, I thought of all the joy and beauty Grandma brought to our lives.

While saying good-bye to a grandparent is not easy, we will always cherish the memories we have with her. Sometimes, it's difficult for me to think that my kids won't really know or have many memories of their great-grandparents, but that is one of the reasons I continue to write in this space. I want them to know the kind of people their great-grandparents were, and in that way, they will live on.

May Round-Up!

This month was a busy one with church activities, Mother's Day, the end of school, etc. I've already written several posts about some of our monthly happenings, but this post includes some of the stuff I haven't written about yet!

I think I've posted photos from Lego Club in almost every monthly round-up I've written. I just love seeing the kids' creativity evolve!

Brianna

Brenson

Early on this month I had a doctor's appointment with my OBGYN. I took the girls with me, and we ended up having a fun little day. 

All ready for our outing!

Me and Dr. N - he's been part of some of the biggest moments of our life, both happy and heartbreaking. This man will always have a special place in my heart.

After the appointment, I needed a little pick-me-up. I decided to introduce Brooke and Brecklyn to the world of cake pops! They were a hit!

Brooke

Brecklyn

I'm sure you've noticed by now that we spend a lot of time outdoors. This month, the weather was so nice that we even did homework and our daily reading outside in the afternoons. 

Love our time together reading in the afternoons

Crazy kids :-)

💙

Brenson is an easy kid in many ways. He's a rule follower, so I typically don't have to worry about him doing things he shouldn't or finding mischief too easily. He does, however, keep me on my toes in other ways. I never know what I'll find him doing . . . he loves to build, construct, dig, tie things up, and create pulley systems. I certainly don't mind this, except when I go to run up the stairs in the dark and there's a rope tied across the steps :-). 

One day, I looked up from reading on the back patio with Brianna and saw Brenson bug hunting. Of course, the helmet was a necessity . . . you never know what can happen while bug hunting!

Another day, we were trying to leave the house and the garage door wouldn't close. I went to investigate, and found a ratchet was jammed in the garage door runner. This kind of stuff has Brenson written all over it!

The first weekend of this month, our congregation hosted a Ladies Day. The Ladies Day was on Saturday, but several of us met at the building on Friday evening to help get things decorated and set up. 

Avery, Chloe Jo, and Brianna helped with the favors.

Rebekah stuffed folders.

Lisa, Jody, and Michele tackled the giant bulletin board,

while Dicie and Antha worked on the smaller board.

Tia and I laminated and cut out bookmarks for all the ladies.

With several of us working together, it didn't take too long to get the building ready for our event. Everything looked so nice when we were finished!

That evening, I had invited a family to stay at our house with us. A guy I knew and went to church with in high school was in need of a place for he and his wife, son, and baby daughter to stay near Tulsa. They had come to Tulsa to visit his mom who was in the hospital, and they live about four hours from this area. When Brianna and I got home from working at the church building for our Ladies Day, the family was at our house getting settled for the night. We visited for just a bit, then left them to settle in (we gave them the upstairs). The next morning, our Ladies Day didn't begin until 1:00pm, so we had a bit more time to visit with the family.

Brianna really enjoyed loving on their baby

They left to return home not too long before Brianna and I left to attend our Ladies Day. All the younger girls of our congregation stationed themselves at the registration table to greet our guests.

Brianna, Chloe, Ryann, Raelyn, Jaden (Chloe's friend), and Avery

I love sharing days like this with my girl!

I hope the friendship between these girls just continues to grow!

Chloe, Avery, Ashlyn, Brianna

Lisa was our technology assistant.

We were very happy with our turn-out. The day was very encouraging, and I personally grew so much!

It had been a while since the girls and I had been to the park, but I made sure it happened this month. They were SO excited! They kept saying, "This is gonna be AMAZING!" Haha.

One thing I didn't really realize before having kids is how randomly and quickly they get sick. With my kids, it seems like everything is fine one minute, and the next minute they've spiked a fever or started puking or suddenly started coughing up a lung. When Brianna came home from school one day, laid down on the couch, and immediately fell asleep, I knew something was not right. Sure enough, she had a lowish fever (but no other symptoms). I texted Chris this photo and expressed my frustration. Sometimes I just feel like someone is sick all the time! However, after resting, she woke up just fine and never complained that she didn't feel well. I wonder if she was just exhausted?

Sometimes if I have a lot I need to get done, Chris will take all the kids and go run a few errands. This gives me a little quiet, uninterrupted time, and I can generally be super productive during times like this. While out picking up a few groceries with the kids, Chris sent me this pic. You never know what you'll find at Wal-mart!

Our cousin, Abby, has played softball for several years. We always want to go see her play, but it hasn't really worked out. We finally made it happen!

Brianna's favorite part was seeing Abby play and playing with Zeke. Brenson's favorite part was enjoying a snocone!

Zeke, Brianna, Brooke, Bren, and Brecklyn

Last month, we had unexpected snow and frigid weather. This month, I was looking forward to spring-like weather, but it seemed to just get hot overnight. The kids can't wait to bust out the water activities the minute it gets hot. 

Slip-n-Slide!

Brianna and Brenson

Brecklyn and Brooke

Over Memorial Day weekend, Chris began our next big project. We are building a new play set for the kiddos! Our current swing set was given to us by a church member. It had been in her barn (where a family member had left it) for about a decade, and she wanted it to get some good use. We have definitely used and enjoyed it for the last eight years, but it's time for a larger set now that the kids are bigger. 

Chris had lots of helpers, but he still made good progress on it. I'll do a whole post about our play set once it's finished!

For the last several years, we've kicked off summer vacation with a visit to the zoo. This year, Brianna's bible class teacher (Aunt Lisa) planned a zoo trip for her students. The timing was perfect as it was a few days after school let out for the year, so we let it double as our kick-off-the-summer zoo trip, too!

Brooke, Brianna, Hayden, Avery, Chloe Jo, Brecklyn, and Brenson

Uncle Jeremy challenged the kids with some tasks (running and bike riding), and upon completion he sent them each an "Uncle Medal". They were proud of those medals!

Brenson, Brianna, Brooke, and Brecklyn

The last day of May was the first anniversary of finding out our baby Bristol no longer had a beating heart. Anniversaries of loss can be very difficult, and that's especially true for first anniversaries. It was tough for me to decide what to do on this day because I certainly wanted to recognize it and give it the attention it needed, but I wasn't emotionally up for doing anything "big". 

Chris was very sensitive to this and took the day off work to help me with the kids and spend the day together as a family. More than anything, I really just wanted to be with my husband and kids that day, so that's exactly what we did. We took the kids to the splash pad that morning,

and went to the first Food Truck Thursday of the season in our town that evening. I didn't know how I'd feel that day, but it turned out to be a good day. It was peaceful and calm, just like I wanted it to be. We enjoyed each other and our town. We spent some time talking about Bristol, but didn't dwell on it all day. We smiled. We laughed. We hugged. We had joy amidst the sorrow. It was just how I'd hoped it would be.

I'm thankful to be past that anniversary, and now we can focus on having an amazing June!