Monday, August 18, 2008

Behind the Scenes

Chris and I have been waiting for this August since January of 2007. That's a total of 19 months. You see, it was in January of 2007 that we received the news that our latest medicated cycle in our pursuit of a family had failed. We made the decision to take a one year break, then resume fertility treatments.

In January of 2008, the decision for me to have surgery before resuming treatments was made. March 2008 brought with it the surgery, and by May I was physically ready to begin treatments. However, Chris and I had already made the decision to go to Africa, so once again the fertility treatments were postponed until August.

August is finally here.

It has been incredibly rough.

My treatment regimen this month included both oral and injectible medications. It's hard to describe the emotional craziness caused by medications that mess with your hormones. I feel so all-over-the-place emotionally, and it feels terrible. I was already having problems coping with the whole infertility issue anyway. It was easier when we weren't actually doing any treatment because there was hope of what was to come, and if I didn't feel like dealing with it that day, I didn't. Now, I have to look infertility right in the face. I keep thinking, what happens when this doesn't work? It's so hard to think about the possibility of a failed cycle. A failed cycle feels like I have failed and let myself and everyone else down. It is such a hard thing for me to face.

I am struggling so much right now with feeling like myself during all this. I suddenly have not felt like being around anyone, talking to anyone, going out in public, scrapbooking, blogging (hence the reason for my recent absence), or connecting with any one in any way. It is so hard to not allow this to take over my life and consume all of my energy.

But I am trying.

Really hard.


Earl Gearl said...

You're in my prayers. I know exactly how you feel. You can call me if you ever want to chat or cry or scream or whatever.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Came over from Lisa's blog to give you some encouragement. I can echo how hard a failed cycle feels and have recently been isolating myself more and more. The thing I cling to right now is the cross and that God loves me. I found this great book, if you haven't read it, called From Fear to Freedom, by Rose Marie Miller. It's really helped me.
I'll be praying for you this cycle.

Mercedes said...

We are praying for you. I wish I had the perfect words of comfort, but that is all I know how to do.

Anonymous said...

Loving you and praying for you and Chris. Hugs!!!