Thursday, December 9, 2010

Taking my seat

There's nothing like a few (read: five) unexpected and very recent pregnancy announcements to send an infertile girl into a bit of a tailspin. Today, I experienced that all-too-familiar heart clench upon hearing the news of unexpected pregnancy number 5, and realized that it has been a while since I've felt that physical reaction to an emotional wound. Well, minus yesterday when I heard about unexpected pregnancy number 4, that is.

I must admit, I am surprised at myself. It's not like these are the first pregnancy announcements that I've heard since I myself was on that horrible TTC (Trying To Conceive) roller-coaster 18 months ago. Those less recent announcements didn't affect me this way, but things are changing. A shift is taking place.

My heart starting to really yearn for another baby.

I keep telling myself how silly this is. I mean, I still have a baby, so why am I thinking about having another already? I feel so selfish. I know many people out there still waiting for their baby, and my heart just breaks for them. I remember so vividly what is was like to be the girl with empty arms. I was that girl waiting so long for her baby while watching friends/acquaintances have not only one, but two or more children. My arms are no longer empty, but my desire for more children is still very, very strong.

Chris and I have always wanted a house full of children. While I was pregnant with Brianna (well, and since her birth), I would hope and pray that I would be one of those lucky women that found pregnancy to be a cure for their infertility. I knew it was unlikely with my complicated problems, but I SO wanted it to work out that way.

After a lot of discussion, Chris and I agreed that we would give my body 6ish months to work properly, then go back and see Dr. P at our fertility clinic. We certainly aren't getting any younger, so we feel a lot of pressure to move quickly. The 6 months are rapidly coming to an end, and once again my body has failed us. I just hate it more than I can say. The thought of going through treatments again is so overwhelming that I wasn't really sure I'd be ready to go back so soon.

I'm ready to have another baby, but I know I'm not yet ready to walk through the pain of treatments and failed cycles or the grief that comes with being broken and requiring help to do what is so easy for so many people. However, it looks like - for us - one comes with the other.

So, I know that my heart clenching is telling me that it's time. It's time to take a deep breath. It's time begin gearing up to take my seat on the roller coaster of TTC-with-a-little-help. Most importantly, though, it's time to look to my Father above for wisdom, peace, comfort, and strength in a situation I was really, really hoping to never find myself in again.


Lisa said...


Cayce, Sara, and Lily said...

Maybe having B this time around will give you one other thing to help keep an optimistic heart. *hugs*