Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Due Date

This is the week that I've been dreading since we lost B3 back at the beginning of the year. 

Today was B3's due date. 

Well, it was the original due date anyway. The due date was actually changed to July 12th, but either way it was this week. This is the week that we would have likely been meeting our baby, and my heart is a little heavier than normal for our B3. 

This grief journey has been full of ups and downs and unexpected triggers. Overall, we are doing well, but there have certainly been days/moments that are harder than others. All along, I've kept telling myself that if I could just get through this week then things would be easier. I hope that is true. I don't know if I really believe that it will be. 

It's been surprising to me how similar the emotions of this grief journey have been to that of our journey of infertility. The quiet pain. The dull ache. The triggers. The sadness for yourself when you should be feeling happiness for others. I feel like that journey prepared me well for this one, and I thank God for that. 

Of course, I wouldn't be doing this trial justice if I failed to mention that there have been tremendous blessing along the way as well. Just as with our infertility journey, it took time and distance to really discover the blessings in the journey, and I'm confident that I haven't uncovered nearly all of them yet. But I thank God for the blessings, too. He is always good and always faithful. Always. 

I remember during the very early days of our loss, I would lay in bed and just be almost physically paralyzed in fear. Fear/anxiety has always been my biggest struggle. I thought I really had it all under control when Satan saw an opportunity to attack, and boy did he. I feared the future. I feared that my heart would always feel like it was suffocating. I feared that I would never want to be pregnant again. I feared that somehow the miscarriage was my fault. I feared that I was broken forever. 

And maybe - in some ways - I am. I know for sure that I am forever changed, but is that really a bad thing? My sincere prayer is that my broken-ness has drawn me closer to my Lord and brought glory to Him. 

And perhaps, that's the biggest blessing of all. 


Life With Lauren said...

Keeping you in my prayers this week.

Carey said...

Oh Chelley. You always have a way of writing that brings me to tears. You're in my prayers often but I will especially remember you this week. Love you guys.

Jordan said...

Thinking about you. June 27 would have been baby #2's 2nd birthday. Of course, had that not happened- then we wouldn't have Nora now. I found out I was pregnant with Nora just a few weeks after baby #2's assumed due date. Rainbows after the storm. Hoping you find your rainbow soon too.

R said...

Sorrow is better than laughter,
For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.

Ecc 7:3

Hang in there!

Becky said...

I love the last piece that you wrote. I fear change, I fear infertility changing who I am...but really, is it a bad thing? I'm starting to think not. Because ultimately God is using the change to shape me and draw me closer to Him. I'm very sorry about your due date, I know how difficult it is, I just had mine on May 1. Such a tough time, but you're very strong to get through this with such grace!

Heather said...

Thinking of you this week Chelley. I remember when my due date came around the first time I had an early miscarriage and it was a difficult time. I hope that you are able to find comfort and peace in spite of that in the sweetness of our Savior's love. You are so strong, and I admire you so much. ((hugs))

Emily said...

thinking of you this week and sending prayers your way!

Justin and Marcie said...

I am so sorry girl. You're post made me think though. I have been having the exact same fear. And I have never miscarried or experienced that kind of loss in any way. But I know so many people that have and it makes me SO fearful to have number 2. I never thought about it until I read your blog, but that is totally Satan getting the best of me. I have to trust my God and that even if he does choose to make me experience that loss, he will bring me through it and out the other side a better and stronger Christian. Thanks for this post. Even though you were reflecting on your pain, it helped me conquer my fear.

Justin and Marcie said...

**YOUR post**