This is the week that I've been dreading since we lost B3 back at the beginning of the year.
Today was B3's due date.
Well, it was the original due date anyway. The due date was actually changed to July 12th, but either way it was this week. This is the week that we would have likely been meeting our baby, and my heart is a little heavier than normal for our B3.
This grief journey has been full of ups and downs and unexpected triggers. Overall, we are doing well, but there have certainly been days/moments that are harder than others. All along, I've kept telling myself that if I could just get through this week then things would be easier. I hope that is true. I don't know if I really believe that it will be.
It's been surprising to me how similar the emotions of this grief journey have been to that of our journey of infertility. The quiet pain. The dull ache. The triggers. The sadness for yourself when you should be feeling happiness for others. I feel like that journey prepared me well for this one, and I thank God for that.
Of course, I wouldn't be doing this trial justice if I failed to mention that there have been tremendous blessing along the way as well. Just as with our infertility journey, it took time and distance to really discover the blessings in the journey, and I'm confident that I haven't uncovered nearly all of them yet. But I thank God for the blessings, too. He is always good and always faithful. Always.
I remember during the very early days of our loss, I would lay in bed and just be almost physically paralyzed in fear. Fear/anxiety has always been my biggest struggle. I thought I really had it all under control when Satan saw an opportunity to attack, and boy did he. I feared the future. I feared that my heart would always feel like it was suffocating. I feared that I would never want to be pregnant again. I feared that somehow the miscarriage was my fault. I feared that I was broken forever.
And maybe - in some ways - I am. I know for sure that I am forever changed, but is that really a bad thing? My sincere prayer is that my broken-ness has drawn me closer to my Lord and brought glory to Him.
And perhaps, that's the biggest blessing of all.