Losing Seven, Part 2

If you missed the first part of this story, you can click here to get all caught up. 

I left off the other post right after finding out on Wednesday, May 31st that our precious baby Seven no longer had a beating heart. My D&C was scheduled for Friday, June 2nd at 8:00am, leaving us with Thursday, June 1st to spend waiting for Friday. 

What do you do with yourself for a whole day knowing that your baby is no longer alive? Aside from being completely heartbroken and overwhelmed with grief, I was also terrified that the miscarriage would begin before my D&C. I decided to spend the day in bed wallowing and praying, and that's pretty much what I did. I was incredibly thankful that Chris had taken off work and that my parents were here to care for the children. I was certainly not mentally up for caring for anyone. 

Chris, my parents, my sister, her daughter, and all my children took an outing to our local library that morning to sign up for the summer reading program, then went out for lunch. This left me at the house by myself for a good span of time, which is what I really needed. I needed time with my grief, time with my pain, and time with my thoughts to process. After they all got home, the children went down for a nap. Later that evening, my friend Tia brought us food for dinner and visited for a while. I spent the entire day just taking it easy, crying as I needed, being alone as I needed, and praying. 

That evening, before the big kids went to bed, I went in Brianna's room and talked with her about me going to the hospital the next day. I made sure she knew what was going to happen, and asked her if she wanted to say good-bye to the baby since I would be gone before she got up the next morning. Brianna had talked to the baby and kissed my belly every single day since we told her I was pregnant, so I felt it was very important to give her the opportunity to say good-bye. I don't regret that decision, but I will say it was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through. Brianna just cried and sobbed and bawled and said how much she didn't want the baby to die. She was SO upset, and we just laid in her bed sobbing together. She loved our baby so, so much, and watching her grieve absolutely shattered my heart. She kept saying, "Don't go. I don't want you to go tomorrow. Just don't go" and I had to explain to her why I had to go. I had to remind her over and over that the baby was already gone. It was excruciating. 

After spending about 45 minutes with Brianna, I went to Brenson to give him a chance to say good-bye. He was less emotional about the whole thing than Brianna had been, but he also cried and snuggled in close to me and didn't want to let go. He kept asking me why the baby died, and of course I didn't have an answer for that. He also asked me, "Mom, did you take your shot yesterday?" and said, "I prayed and prayed that our baby wouldn't die." He just couldn't understand why our baby died when we had done everything "right". Trying to help my child process something that I myself couldn't even process at that time was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Truly. I've never been so heartbroken in my life as I was that night holding my children as they sobbed over the death of their sibling. 

In the 36 hours since I had seen our lifeless, still baby on the ultrasound screen, I had prayed and prayed that I wouldn't begin the miscarriage on my own at home. I had seen that bit of brown mucous then blood on Wednesday, but there hadn't been anything like that since. And while I was grateful for that, it did funny things to my mind. I found myself questioning what I saw on the ultrasound. Was I sure the baby was dead? Was I sure there was no heartbeat? Was the baby really only measuring 13w6d? What if we just missed something? I knew these thoughts weren't rational, but I struggled with them anyway. The mind is powerful, and the doubt was definitely there. However, when I got up on Friday morning and used the restroom, there was quite a bit of blood. I was actually thankful for it because it helped ease my mind that what I saw in that ultrasound room was real. The baby really was gone. My body was preparing to expel the baby's tissue, and I needed to go in for this procedure. 

Friday morning, Chris and I left the house at around 6:00am for the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital, my friends Kendall and Angie were there waiting for us. They hugged me, prayed with me in the parking lot, then came inside to wait with us before I was called back to be prepped. Like I mentioned in my last post, it's an incredible thing to have friends and family who are there without being asked. They just came and stood by me and prayed for me and sat with us, helping give us strength for this journey. 

I was taken back to a room around 7:30am where a nurse got my IV started. As soon as she did, I told her my hand hurt. The pain rapidly increased, and the nurse realized my IV had blown out. She quickly pulled it out and started a new one. I hate having an IV put in . . . it's the worst for me, so I was really upset it had to be done twice. Then, the anesthesiologist walked in the room and said, "So we're going to make sure there's no more babies, huh?" I looked up at him, startled, and said, "No, this is a D&C." He quickly looked at his paperwork and began falling all over himself apologizing to me. He got confused and thought I was in to have my tubes tied. He was very sincere in his apologies - and I was grateful that he apologized - but he kept going on and on and on about how sorry he was. I really just wanted him to stop talking about it and get out of my room! He actually made it more awkward by going on and on about it. 

Next, Dr. N came in for just a few minutes. I asked him about doing genetic testing on the baby's tissue, and he said he really didn't see any reason to do that. He felt like the baby had a defect not compatible with life and there's nothing more we really need to know. I also asked him about finding out the baby's gender. He said that I could pay for a blood test, but did I really want to pay thousands of dollars just to know? Chris and I ultimately decided that we didn't, but I'm not sure we don't regret that. 

When I had my D&C with B3, I wasn't very emotional. I had cried my buckets of tears in the eight days leading up to it, and I knew the baby's body had already been expelled from my body. This time, though? I was a mess. The tears just flowed and flowed, and I was powerless to stop them. As the nurses wheeled me away for surgery, my tears just soaked my gown and the sheets. The thought of having my baby removed from my body was just horrific, even though I knew she was no longer living. It was so final. It was truly the end of this journey. And I hated the thought of it. 

The D&C went smoothly, and we were back home by about noon. I spent most of the afternoon in bed, and later that evening made a social media announcement. 

"I am truly at a loss for the right words in this moment as my heart is overwhelmed. We learned this week that our precious gift - our unborn baby we love so much - has passed away just shy of 16 weeks gestation. We are all devastated, and there are many things about this that we just can't understand. However, we do know that we have a good, faithful Father who loves us the same as He did yesterday and as He will tomorrow. We know He will carry us as we attempt to navigate the waters of loss and grief. We know that without Him, this would be impossible. We praise Him as the giver of life and healing and peace."

Why are things like this so very difficult to put into words? Once again, we were shown an incredible outpouring of support, but it hurt so badly to post that. 

That evening, my sister and her family came over to eat with us and just spend time with us. It felt good to be surrounded by loved ones. 

Physically, I was feeling fine. I had some bloating from the surgery, but it was all gone by Saturday morning. Of course, that was its own difficult hurdle. With all the bloat gone, my belly looked so small compared to how it had looked before the D&C. It was a horrible realization when I looked in the mirror and saw how loose my shirt was around my belly. It was yet another stark reminder that our baby was gone. 

That Sunday, Brenson ended up being sick, so I stayed home from church with him. I was honestly relieved to not have to face anyone yet. I felt like I just wanted to stay in my bed and under my covers forever at this point. Even the next day when the kids had a chiropractor appointment, I couldn't go in with them so Chris took them by himself. I just wasn't ready to face the world. Later that day, my friend Joy Lin came to sit with me and cry with me. Thankfully, Chris took both Monday and Tuesday off work to stay home and manage everything. 

My hand ended up bruising pretty badly from the IV mishap. I hated seeing at that stupid bruise.

The mail ended up being a huge trigger for me after my D&C. On Saturday, I received a package in the mail full of maternity clothes I had ordered about a week before. Also Saturday, I received my 16 week Bump Update in my email. On Monday, our insurance sent us a packet on their maternity program. I was constantly feeling these terrible heart pangs and being reduced to tears.

However, we also received some beautiful cards expressing condolences to us, and our friends had a Hannah's Hope box sent to us filled with a few things to help us remember and grieve baby Seven. I knew what was in the box when we received it, so it took me almost a week to be in a place where I could open it (and in the meantime, one of the children sat on the box and crushed it a little). Seeing the contents of that box was yet another heart-wrenching thing, but I know I'll cherish it always.

On Wednesday, exactly a week after finding out Seven no longer had a heartbeat, my friends Angie and Amy came by to visit. They packed up my maternity clothes for me so I wouldn't have to deal with it, and hauled away some baby things our friend, Kendall, had given me. I know I've already said this, but I was so, so, so grateful for all the support I was given.

I continued to lay low the entire week after the D&C, but by the next Sunday (June 11th), I knew I needed to get out and starting facing the world again. I needed to go to worship to start healing my shattered heart. I needed to hug my church family, and sit in a pew with my babies. It was the first time I had fixed my hair, worn real clothes, and put on make-up since we lost the baby.

I knew I had one more major hurdle I needed to get through before I could even begin the process of moving forward, and that was my D&C follow-up appointment with Dr. N. I dreaded walking back into his office, but I knew it was just something I had to get through. My appointment was on Tuesday, June 13th. I wanted to have Chris and the children with me for comfort, so we all went and made an outing out of it. It was kind of strange because I was taken to this room I had never been in before. It looked like an office, complete with a desk, comfy chair, and couch.

Dr. N came in, calmer than his usual self. He asked how I was feeling, then clarified that he was really concerned about "my head". I gave him a partial smile and said, "I'm going to be okay." We chatted just a bit more, then left his office for possibly the last time. It was hard. It was hard to walk in, and it was hard to walk out.

Just a few days after this appointment, I came across these shirts as I was unpacking the next size up in clothes for Brooke and Brecklyn.

Who knew that seeing something as simple as a shirt could cause one to feel like they're drowning in a sea of pain? Why we had to go through this again is something I will never understand. It's such an indescribable, excruciating pain that will never fully go away. However, I do know that these types of trials can draw us closer to the One who loves us more than we could ever imagine or comprehend, and I pray that this journey is doing just that.

There's no possible way for us to know what the future holds for our family. I mean, we never would have EVER thought we would be where we are right now after years and years of infertility, a surprise pregnancy, and a second trimester loss. But here we are. At this point, we're just trying to keep our focus on Jesus, loving each other, and allowing the waves of pain and grief come and go as needed.

Thank you to everyone who has loved and supported our family during this time of loss and grief.

Losing Seven, Part 1

It has taken me a little while to be ready to tell this story, but I think the time has come for me to share. Admittedly, there is a big part of me that never wants to write these words or record what took place during those life-changing and shattering days. It is a heart-crushing experience that I'm certain I will never fully "get over". That's not to say that I haven't been able to begin moving forward or that I haven't found joy again, but going through what we did is something that changes you forever. I am forever impacted by the life and death of our precious baby Seven, and it is for that reason that I want to have record of the details surrounding our baby's death.

One question that I've been asked a few times is, "Were there any signs that you had lost the baby?" The answer to that question is a little more complicated than a simple "yes" or "no". Looking back, there were a few things that happened that could have been signs, but it just wasn't that straightforward. Many of the things I experienced could have easily been explained by the fact that I had completed my first trimester of pregnancy and was well into the second trimester. My symptoms and the way I feel always changes pretty drastically for me around the time I hit 15 weeks pregnant. 

During my 14th week of pregnancy, I was still experiencing some strong symptoms of nausea, fatigue, and headaches. I had also started feeling those first few little flutters of the baby moving. This happened mainly in the mornings when I was laying in bed on my back waiting to get my blood-thinning injection (that I take during pregnancy due to a blood-clotting disorder). I had felt those little flutters consistently throughout week 14, but Saturday, May 27th (14w6d) is the last time I can remember feeling them. 

I had also had a severe head ache on Saturday, May 27th that lingered a bit into Sunday, May 28th. I turned 15 weeks on Sunday, and really noticed a difference in how I was feeling on Monday, May 29th. I was less fatigued and my food aversions had eased up significantly. Also - like I mentioned already - I realized that I hadn't felt those baby flutters in about two days. I know this seems like it should have alarmed me - and it certainly did to a degree - but I was trying to be rational and not worry too much over little things. Having experienced loss before, I had to work diligently at not allowing anxiety over every little thing to creep in. Fifteen weeks is around the time that my symptoms typically ease up a lot. I usually start getting my energy back around this time, and feeling those little baby flutters can be very sporadic at this stage of pregnancy, as well.

Another thing I'd like to mention here is that I hadn't really noticed much bump growth yet. I even mentioned in my 15 week pregnancy update on here that there hadn't been much change in the bump. This was completely normal for me . . . I don't start showing or really gaining any weight with my pregnancies until around 16 weeks (even with the twins). So again, I was trying diligently to not read too much into what I was or was not experiencing. All of these things could have been completely normal for me.

My 15 week belly shot

On Tuesday, May 30th, I loaded up my kids and spent the day with them at the zoo. It wasn't too hot, but I was careful to stay hydrated.

I felt great all day, and had high hopes that I had finally reached the second trimester bliss where I had a little energy and felt more like myself.

Later that afternoon, Chris and I took all the kids and went to the splash pad for a little bit. It was the first time in two months that I had been able to be that active all day without feeling like I was going to pass out from exhaustion. I even posted about my energy surge on my Instagram because I truly thought it was just because I was getting farther along in my pregnancy.

While at the splash pad, I started to feel off. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what it was except that I had a strong cramp on my upper left side (at the bottom of my ribs) and my tummy was upset. I told Chris that I suddenly wasn't feeling good, and we decided that I had just overdone it that day. I felt bad enough that I didn't even want to go get dinner like we had planned, so we just went through a drive-thru for the kids. I did down a bottle of water hoping that would help the situation, but it didn't. As soon as we got home, I laid on the couch, drank lots of water, and didn't do much until we went to bed. The cramping did not concern me because it was high and not low where my uterus was, and by the time we went to bed I was feeling much better.

On Wednesday, May 31st, I started my day the same way I had for the past nine weeks . . . with my blood thinning injection. This was the injection that was supposed to help prevent miscarriage, and it gave me peace of mind in many ways. My habit was to ice the injection site for a few minutes before doing the injection, and I would spend those few minutes praying for our baby. I was extremely careful to do the injection around the same time every day and to never miss a dose. I had filled my prescription for the injections just about a week before this, and had sent this photo to Chris expressing how very thankful I was for our insurance!

Chris went to work as usual that morning, and I got all the kids up and ready to go to the library for story time. I wore a pair of maternity pants I had just purchased the weekend prior to this, hoping that I looked pregnant enough for people to be able to tell I was expecting and not just gaining weight. I was feeling fine.

We spent over an hour at the library, and part of that time was used sitting on the floor of the children's area visiting with other moms while our kids played. I had planned for us to leave around 11:00am, and just before that I time I started to feel "off" again. I got us all home and started making lunch all while feeling progressively worse and worse. The cramping was back (but again, it was high like under my ribs and not down where my uterus is), and my stomach was very upset. While the children were eating lunch, I drank several glasses of water and had to use the bathroom a couple times because of my tummy. Brianna knew that I wasn't feeling well, so she really stepped up at this time and helped everyone finish lunch and go down for nap. Then, she went to her room for some quiet time. I welcomed the opportunity to lay on the couch and rest a bit.

Just a few minutes after everyone went down for nap, I used the bathroom again. When I wiped, I noticed that there was some brown tinted mucous on the toilet paper. The second I saw it, my heart clenched. I never had that sort of discharge during my healthy pregnancies, and I was alarmed, for sure. My mind began racing with all kinds of thoughts, but I tried hard to not overreact. I told myself there was no reason to think anything was wrong. The discharge was very little, and it wasn't blood. I did have cramps, but they weren't in my uterus. I was over 15 weeks along, and we had heard our baby's heartbeat three times. I was taking my folate and blood thinning injections exactly like I had been instructed.

So, I just went back to the living room and laid back down on the couch. I was still truly thinking I had just overdone it the day before and was now paying for it. I felt tired, but I couldn't relax enough to actually rest. About 15 minutes later (around 1:00pm), I went to use the restroom again (remember, I had been drinking lots of water). This time, there was a tiny bit of bright red blood. When I saw it, I immediately started shaking. My heart was beating out of my chest, and the tears started flowing involuntarily. I remember standing in my bathroom and saying, "Please, God. Please don't let me lose this baby. I can't do this again. Please, God. Please protect my baby. Please let us keep her. Please, God."

I took several deep breaths, then went outside on our back patio to clear my head. Blood doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong. I didn't want to freak out over nothing, but I was terrified. I wasn't sure what to do. Should I call Chris? Did I need to make an appointment with my doctor? Was I getting worked up over nothing or was I losing our baby? My head was spinning, so I just sat out there crying and praying. I prayed for peace, for wisdom, for clarity, for strength to walk through whatever was happening. I prayed that God would sustain me if my worst fears were true. I prayed that no matter what I was about to find out, I could endure it.

Then, I called Chris. I tried to be calm, but he later told me he knew immediately from my voice that something was going on. I told him the situation, and asked him if he thought I should call the doctor. Of course, he said yes. He tried to tell me to relax because everything was probably okay, but I cut him off and just said, "I feel like things are not good. I feel like it's not okay." He just sighed a big, heavy, deep sigh, and said, "Okay."

I called my doctor's office next and left a message for the nurse. While I was waiting for her to call me back, I used the restroom again and there was nothing. This gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe my instinct wasn't correct. Maybe I was just overreacting and things really were okay. When the nurse called me back and I described to her what was going on, she first said that she didn't really see a reason for me to come in. I had a regular appointment already scheduled for the next week, and she felt like I could just wait until that appointment. At first I said okay, but then I thought, "No. I need to trust my instinct. I need to push this." So I did. I told her that I was freaking out because we've had two losses before, and she said, "It's very unlikely that anything is wrong at this point." I shared with her that we had experienced a loss at 13 weeks, and I just needed to be seen for my peace of mind. She finally consented and scheduled an appointment for me at 4:00pm that day.

At this point, it was 2;00pm, so I had about an hour before I'd have to leave the house for my appointment. Chris and I decided I would drive to my doctor's office with all the children, and he and the children would wait for me in the van while I had my appointment. I didn't have much time to think about finding a babysitter, and I didn't want to alarm anyone. During the time I was waiting to wake the kids to get them ready to go, my friend Angie happened to text me. I did share just a little with her about what was going on and asked her to pray for my heart. Deep down, I knew things weren't okay. I spent much of that time in prayer for strength to endure the trial.

When it was time to wake the children, I went to Brianna's room first. She had dozed off in her bed, so I gently woke her. I knew she'd have a ton of questions about what was going on, so I had decided to just tell her. I also wanted to give her a chance to process things a bit before we found out for sure what was going on. One of my main concerns was how she would take it if it were bad news. My heart ached to even think about it. She knew that I took special meds because we had lost two babies in the past. She's {unfortunately} been exposed to miscarriage and infant death. So, I just told her that I had to go to the doctor because some things had happened that made me concerned that our baby was not okay. She listened carefully and gave me a big hug, but she didn't break down. I could tell she was trying to be strong for me.

On the way to my doctor's office, my friend Amy called me. She said, "I just felt like I should call you." so I shared with her that we were on our way to an ultrasound and it scared me that she just felt like she needed to call. We talked for just a few minutes, then I got off the phone. I just wanted time to think and process and sit with my emotions.

I was called back almost immediately upon arriving at Dr. N's. The nurse who called me back asked what was going on, and when I shared with her she said, "Oh, I'm sure things are fine." Then, I was informed that Dr. N would not be doing my ultrasound. I would be seeing Dr. N's PA, Megan. This is the same Megan that did the ultrasound after we lost B3, and I wasn't thrilled with the care I had received from her. I thought it was ironic that she would be doing my ultrasound this time, too. When we lost B3, I remember being terrified of looking at the ultrasound screen. I didn't want to see a lifeless baby, so I laid there with my eyes closed the entire time (and, it didn't matter because I had already passed the baby by the time we had the ultrasound). This time, I wanted to look. I wanted to see my baby on that screen whether she was dead or alive. Like I said, I just knew that this was it, and I didn't want to miss this last time to see my baby.

Megan began the ultrasound, and I'll never forget how still everything was on that screen. There was not a flutter, not a flicker, not a blink. I've seen tons of ultrasounds, and I knew immediately that there was no way my baby was okay. When my mind goes back to that moment, it's like time had stopped and my world just froze. Megan was not saying a word. I was holding my breath. There was no sound from the ultrasound machine of a beating heart or of fluid moving. There was no movement at all. It was just still. My baby, my heart, and my whole world. Still. I finally laid my head back and just looked away. I knew. She didn't have to say a word. It was obvious that my baby had died. Finally, Megan said, "I'm sorry. There are no fetal heart tones. I'm so sorry." I just said, "Okay."

I remember glancing at the ultrasound screen one more time, then looking at Megan and saying, "Can you tell me what the baby is measuring?" She said, "sure" and proceeded to measure the life-less, tiny body on the screen. The baby measured 13 weeks and 6 days, and at first I thought, "Wow. She's been gone a while." However, when I thought about it later, I realized that the baby had probably only been gone since about Saturday or Sunday, and that gave my heart a great deal of comfort knowing that I hadn't been carrying my deceased child for weeks. I was 15 weeks and 4 days at this appointment, but the baby had always measured about six days behind (from our very first appointment). We had credited this to the fact that I likely ovulated late because I have long cycles. Following this pattern, the baby should have measured around 14 weeks and 5 days at the appointment. It stands to reason that I lost the baby around 4 to 6 days before this, especially if her growing had slowed before her heart stopped beating (which is likely).

Megan asked if I had any more questions, and I said no. Later, I wished I had asked her if she could tell for sure what the baby's gender was, but I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. Not asking about gender is one of my biggest regrets about this whole situation. In my heart and mind, I feel very, very strongly that the baby was a girl, but we'll never know for sure. I'll always think of her as a girl, though.

Megan left the room so I could get dressed, then came back a few minutes later to talk with me about a plan. While she was out of the room, I called Chris. I didn't know how much longer I'd be, and I wanted him to know right then. I needed him to know right then. He answered the phone, and I just said, "There was no heartbeat." I asked him to tell the kids and my parents, and he said he would. I was composed at this point, fighting hard to hold myself together because I knew once I allowed myself to break down I would likely not be able to walk out of the building. Megan came back in the room and said, "Are you okay?" The question stunned me a bit. I mean, of course I wasn't okay! How could I be okay?!? But, I just nodded my head a little and looked away. She told me she had spoken with Dr. N, and he said we would schedule a D&C for Friday morning. Keep in mind this was Wednesday afternoon. A major concern of mine at this point was that I would miscarry at home like I did with B3. That process was not only traumatizing for me, but one of the most painful things I've ever gone through, as well. I told Megan that I just couldn't go through that again. It wasn't an option. She insisted that the only time Dr. N could do the procedure was Friday morning, so I said, "What happens if it starts at home before then?" She said, "Well, you can always call our office or go to the ER." I thought that was a horrible answer for someone as far along as I was! I was honestly shocked that she said that and that was the best they could offer me.

Before I could leave, Megan said I had to go visit with the surgery scheduler to get everything lined out. At this point, I was just wanting OUT of that office, but I went on to see the scheduler like I was asked. When I walked into her office, she was texting with Dr. N because he had a conflict with Friday morning. I signed some paperwork, and then we just sat there in awkward silence while she waited to hear back from Dr. N. Finally, she said, "If you'd like to just go, I can call you with the surgery schedule." I said, "Thank you" and pretty much bolted out of that place. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. My heart was suffocating, and I needed fresh air and to see Chris. I needed to cry, to wail, to break down and let it all out.

I got to the parking lot, and Chris immediately stepped out of the van. He wrapped me in his arms and just held me for a long time. He said the big kids were upset, but doing okay. He had called my parents, and they were on their way. He had also called my brother and tried to get a hold of Russ, our brother-in-law. I was definitely crying and upset, but I still wasn't allowing myself to fully break down because I had to drive myself and my children home. I pulled myself together enough to drive, and about five minutes after leaving Dr. N's office, the surgery scheduler called me to let me know my D&C was scheduled for Friday morning at 8:00am.

After that - while I was still driving - I called my sister and my friends, Tia and Kendall. I just bawled on the phone with them as I told them our baby was no longer with us. And all of them cried with me. Those were some of the worst phone calls I've ever had to make. How do you tell someone that your world just came crashing down at your feet? I asked Kendall to pass the word to Angie and Amy, as I couldn't just continue making phone call after phone call. When we lost B3, I felt bad about not telling everyone in person, but I had no room for those feelings this time. I had to do what was best for me in that situation, and I knew my true friends understood that.

I asked everyone to pray for our hearts, that we would have strength, and that nothing would start at home before my scheduled D&C. It was a very legitimate fear of mine, and the thought of losing my baby at home like I had with B3 absolutely terrified me.

After we got home, my sister stopped by quickly with food for that evening, and I was so very grateful for that. My parents arrived just before 8:00pm, and them dropping everything to be with us meant the world to me. I received messages from my brother, sister-in-law, niece, and close friends just saying they loved us and were praying for us. I can't say enough what it means to have people in our life who are there when you need them . . . we didn't have to ask or work out details or tell them to come. They were just there. And, they certainly weren't the only ones. Over the next few days, the outpouring of love and support for us was overwhelming. The most devastating of times were made a little more bearable by the love of our people.

In a few days, I'll write about the surgery and days that followed. For now, I'm going to end this here.

Shattered

I should be writing my 16 week pregnancy update right now, but I am truly at a loss for the right words in this moment as my heart is overwhelmed. We learned this week that our precious gift - our unborn baby we love so much - has passed away just shy of 16 weeks gestation. We are all devastated, and there are many things about this that we just can't understand. 

However, we do know that we have a good, faithful Father who loves us the same as He did yesterday and as He will tomorrow. We know He will carry us as we attempt to navigate the waters of loss and grief. We know that without Him, this would be impossible. We praise Him as the giver of life and healing and peace.

Thank you for your prayers and respect at this time as we process, grieve, and attempt to put one foot in front of the other. 

Pregnancy Update - 15 Weeks!

Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone! Three years ago, we had an IUI on Memorial Day that resulted in our precious twinbies. It's so neat to think that I am now 15 weeks pregnant with Seven!

Here is what the belly looks like at 15 weeks:

I still can't tell much of a difference in the size of my belly, but based upon my appetite this week, I expect to see some major growth soon! The clothes I'm wearing in the photo above are not maternity (although the top is super flowy), but I did wear maternity jeans a few times this past week. I'm in that weird stage where my regular jeans still fit, but they aren't comfortable (especially in the evening). However, my maternity jeans wouldn't stay up. Of course, I have to remember that all of my maternity clothes are really stretched out thanks to a twin pregnancy :-).

This week has brought with it a surge in my energy levels, finally! My energy had definitely been improving for the last few weeks, but it wasn't until this week that I could tell a BIG difference. I am so thankful! Trying to care for four littles - including twin toddlers - with no energy was so difficult. Chris even commented on how much more like myself I was this week.

I didn't weigh this week, so we'll have to wait until next week to see how much I gained. In my previous pregnancies, I've really worried about my weight gain. With Bren, I was always worried that I was gaining too much. With the twins, I remember being concerned that I wasn't gaining because I was so sick. This time, I'm trying to be reasonable with what I eat and just not worry about the weight gain as much. It's going to come whether I worry about it or not, so I'm letting that go. I typically lose the pregnancy weight in a reasonable amount of time while I'm nursing, so why worry so much? I don't have time for that mess, lol.

As I mentioned above, my appetite has been strong this week. I have craved chocolate milk, potatoes, and tomato soup. Random, yes? We generally eat Mexican food about once a week - and it's typically something I crave with pregnancy - but this time it seems that the baby doesn't like Mexican food too much. It rarely sounds good to me, and it always upsets my tummy when I eat it. This doesn't really work for us, so this kiddo is just going to have to learn to like it!

My emotions have been all over the place this week. I've noticed that I'm definitely not as short tempered as I have been, but I have been crying at the drop of a hat. It's really ridiculous how easily I cry! Brianna had a little end of the year program this past week, and I was a MESS. I think I would normally tear up a bit, but I had full-on tears streaming down my face. It was a little embarrassing!

One final thing I want to mention is in regards to my headaches. I thought I was doing better with them, but I had a terrible headache on Saturday and Sunday that laid me out for a while. I had a minor headache last Tuesday that was getting worse, so I went to my chiropractor and got adjusted. He and I visited for a while about the headaches, but we didn't come up with anything groundbreaking. My head felt better that evening, but I was still experiencing some pain. It continued all day Wednesday. On Thursday and Friday, I felt great! Saturday morning, though, I woke up with a headache that grew worse and just wouldn't quit. I was so frustrated! I'm feeling good today, so I'm hoping to have a break for a few days.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Pregnancy Update - 14 Weeks!

As of yesterday, I am now 14 weeks pregnant with Seven. I am celebrating another good week of pregnancy, as well as finally being in real time with these pregnancy updates! 

Here is how I look at 14 weeks pregnant:

I don't feel like the belly looks too different than it has for the last several weeks. I'm still wearing regular clothes, and I don't feel like I'm showing quite yet. Chris snapped this pic of me from the front when he was taking my weekly belly pic for me. You can see that the belly is less obvious from this angle!

Many of my pregnancy symptoms have really eased up this past week. I've only had a few gagging episodes all week, so I'm thankful for that, for sure! My appetite is certainly getting better and so is my energy. It has been wonderful to feel like I have some energy again!!! At the beginning of the week, we were in Tennessee for my nephew's high school graduation. We drove back from Tennessee on Tuesday, on Wednesday I went on a field trip with Brianna, and on Thursday and Friday I caught up on unpacking, laundry, and housework. I was tired by the end of the day each day, but I was still functioning okay. I can't tell you how good it felt to be productive and actually do things like mop my floors without feeling like I was about to collapse! 

I had a really severe headache on Tuesday when we were coming home from Tennessee. I pretty much went to bed as soon as we got home because it was hurting so badly. I'm used to having headaches during the first half of pregnancy, but these have been so much worse this time. We also had some severe weather this week, so I wonder if the weather is enhancing my headaches? I've never been pregnant in the springtime before, so that may be why they are so much worse this time. In a moment of desperation, I took to Facebook and asked for recommendations on how to deal with the headaches. I got a lot of conflicting information, but nothing I tried seemed to bring relief. Thankfully, I haven't had a severe headache since Tuesday, although I have had several less painful ones. 

Food cravings have been in full swing this week, and the top thing on the list has been baked or mashed potatoes! I feel like potatoes are the only thing I want to eat, which is interesting because that's not something I've ever craved during pregnancy before. I've also been craving and really enjoying Dr. Pepper. This is strange because I don't generally care for Dr. Pepper at all (I'm a Coke girl when it comes to pop), but it has tasted soooooo yummy recently. I know that Dr. Pepper and potatoes certainly aren't the healthiest thing to be feeding my body, so I'm definitely trying to exercise self control with the cravings. 

As far as weight gain goes, I gained one pound this week, putting my total weight gain at two pounds. I've never been one to gain weight during my first trimester (although I will pack it on later), so this pregnancy is following that same pattern, for sure. 

And finally, we celebrated Mother's Day yesterday since we were out of town for the actual day. My kiddos and hubby got me some really great gifts, including a Snoogle! I am so excited about this! If you don't know what a Snoogle is, it's this really amazing, ridiculously large pregnancy pillow that supports your whole body. 

(This is just a photo I found online . . . it's not me :-)

I got one of these pillows when I was pregnant with B3, and used it all throughout my pregnancy with the twins, as well. It was wonderful! Unfortunately, one of the kids puked on it, and I was never able to get the smell out. It had also gotten kind of flat with all the use, so I ended up getting rid of it. Honestly, had I kept it, I likely would have donated it when we moved anyway. I wasn't planning on buying another one, but the hubs thought I needed it. I'm glad he did! 

This pregnancy feels like it's flying by, and we are so grateful for another good week. We praise God every day for the blessing of this baby!

Pregnancy Update: 13 Weeks!

*I'm still playing catch-up, but my 14 week update should be in real time! This post was written on May 16th.*

I can't believe I'm already 13 weeks pregnant! This first trimester has flown by, but I guess that tends to happen when you miss the first half because you don't realize you're pregnant, haha!

Here is my 13 week belly pic. This photo was taken on Mother's Day while we were in Tennessee for my nephew's high school graduation. I've never been pregnant on Mother's Day before, so that was special for me! I'm definitely getting a serious bump already, but I think it's less obvious when I'm not framing it with my hands.

The weeks leading up to thirteen weeks when I was pregnant with the twins was really difficult for me. We lost B3 when I was 13 weeks along, and the anxiety caused by that loss was pretty major. This time, however, has been much easier. I feel more peaceful about everything in general. I actually expected that this past week would be hard in that way, so maybe that's why it's been a little easier? I still think about that loss often - and there's certainly a part of me that worries about reliving that experience - but I spend a lot of time in prayer about it. Also, you may have noticed that I'm labeling my pregnancy update posts with "Seven", and if you follow me on IG then you know that I'm also using #seven on any posts regarding this baby. There are two reasons for this - One is that this is baby number 7 counting our two miscarriages. The second reason is that we are now a family of seven counting this new baby, so it works out kind of perfectly. I may refer to this baby as "Seven" some on the blog, as well.

This has been a busy week! As I mentioned above, we traveled to Tennessee for my nephew's high school graduation, so much of the week was spent preparing for that trip. It's about 8 hours driving time one way, so that's not a small undertaking for our family! Thankfully, I had more energy this week than I've had lately, although I am still more tired than normal. It was nice to be able to feel like I could at least somewhat function, though!

I mentioned in last week's post that I've been having some terrible headaches. This isn't uncommon for me during the first trimester, but the ones I've had recently have been inferring with my ability to function. I've tried several different things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked for long. I finally went to my chiropractor on Tuesday and got adjusted. My neck was super tight and the adjustment hurt! That is rare for me, but it helped a TON. My neck was sore and my head still hurt that evening, but I haven't had a headache since then. So thankful!

This week has also brought with it fewer gagging episodes than I had been having. Again, so thankful! Typically, my pregnancy symptoms really ease up around 13 to 15 weeks, so I had been hoping that would be the case this time. It seems to be holding true!

My appetite has returned, and I've been having a much easier time eating this week. There are certainly still things that don't sound good at all (like fried food . . . blech), but overall things are so much better in that area. I haven't talked about my weight too much yet, so I'll go ahead and do that now. I did mention in a previous post that I was in the process of losing weight when I found out I was pregnant. When I began losing weight, I was about 20 pounds heavier than my normal (blech . . . I hate writing that!). I had just lost six pounds when I found out I was pregnant, but obviously still had a ways to go. As of this week, I have gained one pound. I'm about the same weight as I was when I got pregnant with Bren, but about 15 pounds heavier than I was at this stage with all the girls.

My regular clothes still fit for now, although I did go ahead and unpack and wash my maternity clothes this week. I actually don't have many maternity clothes because I only kept things that were in great condition. Pretty much all of my long-sleeved or winter things were worn out since all of my other pregnancies have been mostly winter pregnancies. That means that most of what I kept is short-sleeved, and that works out great for me this time! I only have about ten tops, two pairs of shorts, and two pairs of jeans, but I'm hoping to make that work and not have to buy much of anything. We'll see!

As always, I'm extremely grateful for another week of pregnancy!

Pregnancy Update: 12 Weeks!

May I just say how excited I am to be writing pregnancy updates again?!? Because y'all . . . I am excited! This pregnancy was unexpected and surprising, for sure, but it's still a beautiful, wonderful blessing. 

I'm playing catch-up a bit with my pregnancy updates. This post was originally written on Monday, May 8th when I was 12 weeks along. Technically, my "turn day" is Sunday, but my goal throughout this pregnancy is to write and publish my updates on Monday. I figure it's close enough, especially since we don't know exact dates of everything this time (which feels so strange compared to my other pregnancies!)

This is my first "belly shot" this time around!

As you can see, I definitely have a bump already! I tend to carry extra weight in my middle, and I've been about 15-20 pounds heavier than my normal for close to a year. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I was actually in the process of losing weight when I discovered I was pregnant. While my belly is a little bit bigger than it has been, it's not too much more prominent. It is, however, quite a bit firmer, and I can tell a difference when I lay on my back, for sure!

With my previous pregnancies, I took all of my belly pics in the same spot in our house. We've since moved, so I've had to figure out a new place to take the belly pics. The spot I've chosen can be a little shadowy, so please excuse that in my pictures! However, I like that the natural light brightens my face, so we're sticking with this spot for now.

My appetite has been better this week than it has been in three or four weeks. It's a relief to not have to force myself to eat, and food has been settling a whole lot better with me for the most part. I'm still battling mucus issues, so I'm still struggling with gagging some. I do think it might be getting better, thankfully. The fatigue has been less severe this week, and I'll be THRILLED to see that go away for a while! I'm so ready to have a bit more energy and just feel a little more like myself. The fatigue has been NO JOKE this time around! 

I typically struggle with severe headaches during my first trimester. They hadn't been bad this time around (I had only had about two), but this week I had several that have knocked me off my feet. Of course, being pregnant means I'm really limited as far as medications I can take for pain relief, and Tylenol doesn't help me out much. Other things that I use to help with the headaches include icing my neck, having Chris massage my neck and shoulders, drinking water, drinking caffeine, and trying to sleep them off. The ones I had this past week were severe to the point that my head throbbed anytime I moved, light hurt my eyes, and I was super sensitive to sound. Scrolling on my phone or looking at any type of electronics was out of the question. My kiddos have been great to bear with me when I'm suffering with a headache, but we are all ready for me to not be dealing with them anymore. 

Another interesting thing that happened this week was that I had to take my wedding rings off. Yes, already, haha! I noticed last Thursday that my finger was hurting right where my rings sit, so I took them off only to discover that my skin was blistered in that spot. This same thing happened when I was pregnant with Brenson, and I had to stop wearing any kind of rings due to my skin blistering wherever metal touched me. This included gold, white gold, silver, and platinum! For now, I'm still able to wear necklaces and earrings, but when I was pregnant with Brenson those things eventually began to bother me as well. Since this only happened with my pregnancy with Bren and not during the girls' pregnancies, maybe that means we're having a boy this time? We definitely don't know, but it's always fun for us to play the guessing game!

I had my first appointment with Dr. N (my OB that delivered all my other kiddos) today at 12 weeks and 1 day along. I had called his office to make an appointment almost two weeks ago and was told that he was booked solid until the week of May 15th. I was actually just going to wait, but his receptionist decided that they needed to see me earlier than that and "squeezed me in" for today. My appointment was at 11:00am - which isn't generally a great time for his office - so I went alone because I was anticipating a wait. However, I was actually called back to a room after only 25 minutes and saw Dr. N about 20 minutes after that.

It was fun to see his nurse, Tiffany, who was in the delivery room during the twins' birth. We chatted for a bit while she took my weight and blood pressure (which was 116 over 62), and a few minutes after that Dr. N came in with his usual "Nellieeeee!" greeting. He asked me how I was feeling and what I was doing there again (ha!), then began the ultrasound.

Dr. N is always a bit of a whirlwind, but I never feel like just another patient to him. He's loud and fast, but he's also personable and pays attention to details. However, this time I felt like he was really in a rush and kind of scattered. He does an ultrasound at every appointment, but it was super quick this time. The baby looked great though, measuring 11 weeks and 5 days along, with a heart rate of 184 beats per minute. Of course, this made me wonder if we're having a girl?!?

Hi, baby!

I never tire of hearing the sweet sound of my baby's heartbeat. 

Since I'm 36 years old, I anticipated that Dr. N may talk to me about extra testing or seeing a specialist. He did briefly discuss some testing with me, gave me a pamphlet on it, and said to let him know what I decide. Then, he was out the door. I said, "Wait! I have questions!" He told me to get dressed (it was a bottoms-off appointment), and he'd be back to talk with me.

A few minutes later, he came back in and we briefly discussed my blood-thinning injections and the other medications I'm on. I knew he'd keep me on them, but I wanted to bring it to his attention because he didn't mention anything about it during the ultrasound. He actually put me on a prescription folic acid called Folbic, so I was glad that we discussed it. Then, he sent me off to have my routine blood work done.

After blood work and a urine sample, I walked back through his area of the office on my way to check out. He was standing at the desk, stopped me, and said, "Hey Nellie, did I do measurements today?" I said, "Yes, the baby measured 11 weeks and 5 days." He said, "And that's about where you are, right? I didn't realize this was your first appointment." I said, "I'm 12 weeks and 1 day, so close enough," and he responded with, "Okay, good. See you in four weeks!" I know he sees hundreds of patients and is a busy, busy man, but it's really unlike him (in my experience) to not be right on top of things. He just really seemed to be in a rush, but maybe that's what happens when you are "squeezed in" on a Monday!

Since we had a great appointment, we are going public on social media with the news this afternoon! It's a little scary, but so exciting at the same time!

Pregnancy Update: Weeks 8-11!

*I'm playing catch-up with my pregnancy updates. This post was originally written on April 30.*

The evening after our first ultrasound where we were able to hear the baby's heartbeat, we told the kiddos about their new sibling. They were just elated, and couldn't wait to tell the world! We let them call and tell a few close family members that evening, but we weren't quite ready to shout it from the rooftops just yet. We had plans to see Chris's parents and grandma that weekend, so we waited just a few days and let the kids tell them in person. After we told them, we went ahead and shared the news with a few close friends, as well.

Brianna was so excited about the baby that she could hardly contain herself! After telling the kids the news on Thursday evening, we told them to keep quiet about it for a little while. Friday morning, Brianna said that she wanted to tell her teacher and friends at school. I told her that we weren't ready for that quite yet. When she got home on Friday afternoon, she confessed that she did tell one friend during Rise and Shine because "she just couldn't hold it in any longer!" This made me laugh . . . Rise and Shine is their morning program, so she didn't even make it past 7:45am before she spilled the beans, haha!

During our first ultrasound, the baby measured 6 days behind what it should have according to my cycle dates. This made setting a due date or knowing exactly how far along I was a little bit difficult. If we went by my cycle dates, my due date would be November 19th, but if we went by how the baby measured, my due date would be November 25th. Of course, the first question we got from pretty much everyone was, "When are you due?" Since we didn't know exactly, we just went with "the middle of November". We were hoping to nail down a due date a little better at our 2nd ultrasound. 

Our 2nd ultrasound was scheduled for April 17th at 11:15am. Chris met me at our doctor's office and took the three younger kids to lunch during my appointment. I had been experiencing quite a few symptoms, so I was much less nervous at this ultrasound, although my blood pressure was still higher than normal for me. 

As soon as Dr. P began the ultrasound, he said, "There's chicken little!" and I could see the baby moving all around on the screen. This time, the baby measured 8 weeks and 4 days (so 5 days "behind"). Because my cycles are so crazy, it's definitely possible that I ovulated late, and I wasn't quite as far along as what my cycle date would indicate. 

That beautiful heart beat was going strong at 166 beats per minute. This was significantly faster than the first ultrasound . . . does that mean girl?!?

Dr. P took his time with the ultrasound and even put it in contrast mode where we can actually see the blood pumping through the baby's body. I love it when he does this!

After the ultrasound was over, Dr. P came back into the room and said, "Everything looks great and healthy. I don't think I need to see you back." I was surprised as I generally see him for three ultrasounds before he releases me to my regular OB. However, I was so incredibly grateful for a healthy baby and strong heart beat! He did go ahead and set my due date at November 19th, based off of my cycle date. This is really different for us, as all of our other kiddos have February birthdays. However, this is special in its own way because my birthday is November 17th, and I share it with my dad. We love the idea of having three generations born on the same day! Even if that doesn't work out, though, this baby should be born right close to my birthday, which is only two weeks away from Chris's birthday. We'll just have two birthday seasons in our house!

Dr. P is always so sweet to me when graduating me to my OB. He patted my back, reminded me to keep him posted and come see him no later than 8 weeks postpartum to manage my PCOS. I joked with him that Chris and I felt like we should write him a $10,000 check just for the fun of it. He got a kick out of that! It's always bittersweet walking out of his office when I graduate.

Of course, I am still taking the Lovenox injections and will continue to do so until 6 week postpartum. These are nothing new to me as I took them the entire time I was pregnant with the twins, as well. They can be painful - and certainly cause some bruising in my midsection - but they really aren't too bad. I certainly don't enjoy them, but I'm thankful for modern medicine and its benefits for me and my baby! The Bigs (especially Brianna) remembered well when I had to do the injections before, but the little girls are just fascinated by the whole process. Brecklyn gives me so much sympathy when I have to have my shot and is very sweet and loving toward me. Brooke likes to "help", so I generally have her throw away the trash from my alcohol wipe. 

It made me laugh one day when we were playing outside and I saw Brecklyn giving herself shots with a syringe from our toy doctor kit! 

A few days later, Brooke was doing it, too (and right in the belly button, haha)!

At around 8 weeks, I started experiencing some symptoms beyond feeling extreme fatigue all the time. That is certainly still going on, but I'm also having some serious food aversions. Nothing sounds good to eat, and it seems like just about everything upsets my tummy. I do feel hungry sometimes, but finding food that sounds appetizing is a problem, for sure! A few things that sound good sometimes are chicken, steak, beans, and cheese. Apparently, I need protein! This is very similar to how I was when I was pregnant with Brenson. I'm also shorter tempered than normal (also like my pregnancy with Bren), and have episodes almost daily where I gag and gag on mucous but rarely throw up (like when I was pregnant with the twins). Mostly though, I just feel overwhelmingly exhausted all the time! I told Chris that I could sleep for days and probably still be tired. I'm very thankful that my kids are on a schedule because I can count on nap time every day, and you had better believe I take full advantage of it! There have been two times where I've been so exhausted that I've taken the kids upstairs, put on a movie, and actually dozed off on the couch while they watched it. I'm generally pretty spent by the end of the day anyway trying to keep up with four littles, but add a pregnancy in there and it's made for some rough days!

As tough as it can be some days, I actually appreciate having symptoms because it helps ease my anxiety. Pregnancy after miscarriage can be difficult, even when we've had a successful pregnancy since our losses. I work diligently at not allowing my anxiety to grow or get out of control, but it's definitely something I have to stay on top of. No matter what happens at this point, we are humbled and grateful to have this child, and we thank and praise God for its life.

Hearing the Heartbeat

If you missed the first part of this story, you can find it here.

After I took a home pregnancy test and immediately got a positive result, my brain was all over the place. I wasn't even sure what to do! I told Chris first, and he reminded me that I would need to call the doctor. As soon as he said that, I felt a wave of anxiety. After we lost B3 in 2013, I had some testing done that revealed I have the MTHFR gene mutation as well as a blood clotting disorder. These - combined with PCOS - put me at a high risk for miscarriage. One of the ways we treated these issues with my pregnancy with the twins was with blood-thinning injections (Lovenox) and a prescription folic acid. I knew that I needed to get on both of those medications as soon as possible. 

I wasn't sure if I should call my RE's office or my OB's office first. Typically, my RE is easier and faster to get an appointment with, and I knew that he would immediately put me on the Lovenox as soon as a blood test showed I was pregnant. Also, I had been seeing him 3 to 4 times a year to manage my PCOS, so I was a current patient at his office. For these reasons, I called Dr. P (my RE) to confirm the pregnancy.

Dr. P's nurse, Belinda, told me I would need to come in the next day (Friday, March 31st) for a blood test. I went in first thing in the morning, had my blood drawn, then waited not-so-patiently for Belinda to call me with the results. 

When Belinda called a few hours later, she said, "Well, you're definitely pregnant! Your HCG is almost 12,000!" I was blown away! However, we determined that based on the date of my last period, I was already 6 weeks and 5 days along. An HCG that high makes sense for someone that far along. She called in a script for Lovenox and scheduled an ultrasound for the following Thursday (April 6). 

The days between the blood test and the ultrasound were pretty nerve-wracking. I did have lots of thoughts wondering if the baby was okay or if we'd hear a heartbeat or if I had started the injections too late, but I tried really hard to just pray about it every time I started to think those things. I was still feeling crazy fatigue, and Chris and I talked a few times about the possibility of a second set of twins (eeeek!). 

Ultrasound day finally came, and thankfully Chris was able to go with me (our friend Tia sat in the parking lot with the three younger kids). I was nervous. This baby was unexpected and definitely a surprise, but was already loved so much! My blood pressure was 130 over 88, so that shows how anxious I was! When Dr. P came in the room, he was just grinning. I said, "You look amused," to which he replied, "Oh, I am!" Hahaha. He started the ultrasound immediately, and the first thing he said was, "There's just one!" Chris and I breathed a sigh of relief, for sure. We love our twinbies, but one set is enough! Dr. P said, "I'll tell you, when I saw you on the schedule and then saw your HCG, I though, 'Oh no . . . that's high.' I was nervous {about multiples} for you!" I was 7 weeks and 4 days along according to my cycle date, but the baby only measured 6 weeks and 5 days. I was concerned about that, but Dr. P wasn't at all. 

I could see the heartbeat fluttering on the screen, but it was still a relief to hear it, too! The baby's heart rate was 122 bpm. Our kids have all followed the "high heart rate means girl" and "low heart rate means boy" rule, so we immediately thought that this one is another boy!

Dr. P congratulated us, said everything looked great, and asked to see us back in 10 days.

We left his office just elated and so incredibly thankful. We felt overwhelmed (in a good) way with God's love and blessings, and said over and over how grateful we were to hear the baby's heart beating. We were truly on cloud 9! That evening, we told the kiddos about their new sibling, and they (Brianna and Brenson, especially) were just thrilled. Their initial reactions were so cute (we have it all on video), and then we let them call and tell just a few close family members. Brianna had actually said a few days before this that I was acting strange because I had been laying on the couch during the day. We knew we wouldn't be able to keep it from her long, but we also didn't want to. We were excited to share the news and celebrate as a family!