It has taken me a little while to be ready to tell this story, but I think the time has come for me to share. Admittedly, there is a big part of me that never wants to write these words or record what took place during those life-changing and shattering days. It is a heart-crushing experience that I'm certain I will never fully "get over". That's not to say that I haven't been able to begin moving forward or that I haven't found joy again, but going through what we did is something that changes you forever. I am forever impacted by the life and death of our precious baby Seven, and it is for that reason that I want to have record of the details surrounding our baby's death.
One question that I've been asked a few times is, "Were there any signs that you had lost the baby?" The answer to that question is a little more complicated than a simple "yes" or "no". Looking back, there were a few things that happened that could have been signs, but it just wasn't that straightforward. Many of the things I experienced could have easily been explained by the fact that I had completed my first trimester of pregnancy and was well into the second trimester. My symptoms and the way I feel always changes pretty drastically for me around the time I hit 15 weeks pregnant.
During my 14th week of pregnancy, I was still experiencing some strong symptoms of nausea, fatigue, and headaches. I had also started feeling those first few little flutters of the baby moving. This happened mainly in the mornings when I was laying in bed on my back waiting to get my blood-thinning injection (that I take during pregnancy due to a blood-clotting disorder). I had felt those little flutters consistently throughout week 14, but Saturday, May 27th (14w6d) is the last time I can remember feeling them.
I had also had a severe head ache on Saturday, May 27th that lingered a bit into Sunday, May 28th. I turned 15 weeks on Sunday, and really noticed a difference in how I was feeling on Monday, May 29th. I was less fatigued and my food aversions had eased up significantly. Also - like I mentioned already - I realized that I hadn't felt those baby flutters in about two days. I know this seems like it should have alarmed me - and it certainly did to a degree - but I was trying to be rational and not worry too much over little things. Having experienced loss before, I had to work diligently at not allowing anxiety over every little thing to creep in. Fifteen weeks is around the time that my symptoms typically ease up a lot. I usually start getting my energy back around this time, and feeling those little baby flutters can be very sporadic at this stage of pregnancy, as well.
Another thing I'd like to mention here is that I hadn't really noticed much bump growth yet. I even mentioned in my 15 week pregnancy update on here that there hadn't been much change in the bump. This was completely normal for me . . . I don't start showing or really gaining any weight with my pregnancies until around 16 weeks (even with the twins). So again, I was trying diligently to not read too much into what I was or was not experiencing. All of these things could have been completely normal for me.
My 15 week belly shot
On Tuesday, May 30th, I loaded up my kids and spent the day with them at the zoo. It wasn't too hot, but I was careful to stay hydrated.
I felt great all day, and had high hopes that I had finally reached the second trimester bliss where I had a little energy and felt more like myself.
Later that afternoon, Chris and I took all the kids and went to the splash pad for a little bit. It was the first time in two months that I had been able to be that active all day without feeling like I was going to pass out from exhaustion. I even posted about my energy surge on my Instagram because I truly thought it was just because I was getting farther along in my pregnancy.
While at the splash pad, I started to feel off. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what it was except that I had a strong cramp on my upper left side (at the bottom of my ribs) and my tummy was upset. I told Chris that I suddenly wasn't feeling good, and we decided that I had just overdone it that day. I felt bad enough that I didn't even want to go get dinner like we had planned, so we just went through a drive-thru for the kids. I did down a bottle of water hoping that would help the situation, but it didn't. As soon as we got home, I laid on the couch, drank lots of water, and didn't do much until we went to bed. The cramping did not concern me because it was high and not low where my uterus was, and by the time we went to bed I was feeling much better.
On Wednesday, May 31st, I started my day the same way I had for the past nine weeks . . . with my blood thinning injection. This was the injection that was supposed to help prevent miscarriage, and it gave me peace of mind in many ways. My habit was to ice the injection site for a few minutes before doing the injection, and I would spend those few minutes praying for our baby. I was extremely careful to do the injection around the same time every day and to never miss a dose. I had filled my prescription for the injections just about a week before this, and had sent this photo to Chris expressing how very thankful I was for our insurance!
We spent over an hour at the library, and part of that time was used sitting on the floor of the children's area visiting with other moms while our kids played. I had planned for us to leave around 11:00am, and just before that I time I started to feel "off" again. I got us all home and started making lunch all while feeling progressively worse and worse. The cramping was back (but again, it was high like under my ribs and not down where my uterus is), and my stomach was very upset. While the children were eating lunch, I drank several glasses of water and had to use the bathroom a couple times because of my tummy. Brianna knew that I wasn't feeling well, so she really stepped up at this time and helped everyone finish lunch and go down for nap. Then, she went to her room for some quiet time. I welcomed the opportunity to lay on the couch and rest a bit.
Just a few minutes after everyone went down for nap, I used the bathroom again. When I wiped, I noticed that there was some brown tinted mucous on the toilet paper. The second I saw it, my heart clenched. I never had that sort of discharge during my healthy pregnancies, and I was alarmed, for sure. My mind began racing with all kinds of thoughts, but I tried hard to not overreact. I told myself there was no reason to think anything was wrong. The discharge was very little, and it wasn't blood. I did have cramps, but they weren't in my uterus. I was over 15 weeks along, and we had heard our baby's heartbeat three times. I was taking my folate and blood thinning injections exactly like I had been instructed.
So, I just went back to the living room and laid back down on the couch. I was still truly thinking I had just overdone it the day before and was now paying for it. I felt tired, but I couldn't relax enough to actually rest. About 15 minutes later (around 1:00pm), I went to use the restroom again (remember, I had been drinking lots of water). This time, there was a tiny bit of bright red blood. When I saw it, I immediately started shaking. My heart was beating out of my chest, and the tears started flowing involuntarily. I remember standing in my bathroom and saying, "Please, God. Please don't let me lose this baby. I can't do this again. Please, God. Please protect my baby. Please let us keep her. Please, God."
I took several deep breaths, then went outside on our back patio to clear my head. Blood doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong. I didn't want to freak out over nothing, but I was terrified. I wasn't sure what to do. Should I call Chris? Did I need to make an appointment with my doctor? Was I getting worked up over nothing or was I losing our baby? My head was spinning, so I just sat out there crying and praying. I prayed for peace, for wisdom, for clarity, for strength to walk through whatever was happening. I prayed that God would sustain me if my worst fears were true. I prayed that no matter what I was about to find out, I could endure it.
Then, I called Chris. I tried to be calm, but he later told me he knew immediately from my voice that something was going on. I told him the situation, and asked him if he thought I should call the doctor. Of course, he said yes. He tried to tell me to relax because everything was probably okay, but I cut him off and just said, "I feel like things are not good. I feel like it's not okay." He just sighed a big, heavy, deep sigh, and said, "Okay."
I called my doctor's office next and left a message for the nurse. While I was waiting for her to call me back, I used the restroom again and there was nothing. This gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe my instinct wasn't correct. Maybe I was just overreacting and things really were okay. When the nurse called me back and I described to her what was going on, she first said that she didn't really see a reason for me to come in. I had a regular appointment already scheduled for the next week, and she felt like I could just wait until that appointment. At first I said okay, but then I thought, "No. I need to trust my instinct. I need to push this." So I did. I told her that I was freaking out because we've had two losses before, and she said, "It's very unlikely that anything is wrong at this point." I shared with her that we had experienced a loss at 13 weeks, and I just needed to be seen for my peace of mind. She finally consented and scheduled an appointment for me at 4:00pm that day.
At this point, it was 2;00pm, so I had about an hour before I'd have to leave the house for my appointment. Chris and I decided I would drive to my doctor's office with all the children, and he and the children would wait for me in the van while I had my appointment. I didn't have much time to think about finding a babysitter, and I didn't want to alarm anyone. During the time I was waiting to wake the kids to get them ready to go, my friend Angie happened to text me. I did share just a little with her about what was going on and asked her to pray for my heart. Deep down, I knew things weren't okay. I spent much of that time in prayer for strength to endure the trial.
When it was time to wake the children, I went to Brianna's room first. She had dozed off in her bed, so I gently woke her. I knew she'd have a ton of questions about what was going on, so I had decided to just tell her. I also wanted to give her a chance to process things a bit before we found out for sure what was going on. One of my main concerns was how she would take it if it were bad news. My heart ached to even think about it. She knew that I took special meds because we had lost two babies in the past. She's {unfortunately} been exposed to miscarriage and infant death. So, I just told her that I had to go to the doctor because some things had happened that made me concerned that our baby was not okay. She listened carefully and gave me a big hug, but she didn't break down. I could tell she was trying to be strong for me.
On the way to my doctor's office, my friend Amy called me. She said, "I just felt like I should call you." so I shared with her that we were on our way to an ultrasound and it scared me that she just felt like she needed to call. We talked for just a few minutes, then I got off the phone. I just wanted time to think and process and sit with my emotions.
I was called back almost immediately upon arriving at Dr. N's. The nurse who called me back asked what was going on, and when I shared with her she said, "Oh, I'm sure things are fine." Then, I was informed that Dr. N would not be doing my ultrasound. I would be seeing Dr. N's PA, Megan. This is the same Megan that did the ultrasound after we lost B3, and I wasn't thrilled with the care I had received from her. I thought it was ironic that she would be doing my ultrasound this time, too. When we lost B3, I remember being terrified of looking at the ultrasound screen. I didn't want to see a lifeless baby, so I laid there with my eyes closed the entire time (and, it didn't matter because I had already passed the baby by the time we had the ultrasound). This time, I wanted to look. I wanted to see my baby on that screen whether she was dead or alive. Like I said, I just knew that this was it, and I didn't want to miss this last time to see my baby.
Megan began the ultrasound, and I'll never forget how still everything was on that screen. There was not a flutter, not a flicker, not a blink. I've seen tons of ultrasounds, and I knew immediately that there was no way my baby was okay. When my mind goes back to that moment, it's like time had stopped and my world just froze. Megan was not saying a word. I was holding my breath. There was no sound from the ultrasound machine of a beating heart or of fluid moving. There was no movement at all. It was just still. My baby, my heart, and my whole world. Still. I finally laid my head back and just looked away. I knew. She didn't have to say a word. It was obvious that my baby had died. Finally, Megan said, "I'm sorry. There are no fetal heart tones. I'm so sorry." I just said, "Okay."
I remember glancing at the ultrasound screen one more time, then looking at Megan and saying, "Can you tell me what the baby is measuring?" She said, "sure" and proceeded to measure the life-less, tiny body on the screen. The baby measured 13 weeks and 6 days, and at first I thought, "Wow. She's been gone a while." However, when I thought about it later, I realized that the baby had probably only been gone since about Saturday or Sunday, and that gave my heart a great deal of comfort knowing that I hadn't been carrying my deceased child for weeks. I was 15 weeks and 4 days at this appointment, but the baby had always measured about six days behind (from our very first appointment). We had credited this to the fact that I likely ovulated late because I have long cycles. Following this pattern, the baby should have measured around 14 weeks and 5 days at the appointment. It stands to reason that I lost the baby around 4 to 6 days before this, especially if her growing had slowed before her heart stopped beating (which is likely).
Megan asked if I had any more questions, and I said no. Later, I wished I had asked her if she could tell for sure what the baby's gender was, but I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time. Not asking about gender is one of my biggest regrets about this whole situation. In my heart and mind, I feel very, very strongly that the baby was a girl, but we'll never know for sure. I'll always think of her as a girl, though.
Megan left the room so I could get dressed, then came back a few minutes later to talk with me about a plan. While she was out of the room, I called Chris. I didn't know how much longer I'd be, and I wanted him to know right then. I needed him to know right then. He answered the phone, and I just said, "There was no heartbeat." I asked him to tell the kids and my parents, and he said he would. I was composed at this point, fighting hard to hold myself together because I knew once I allowed myself to break down I would likely not be able to walk out of the building. Megan came back in the room and said, "Are you okay?" The question stunned me a bit. I mean, of course I wasn't okay! How could I be okay?!? But, I just nodded my head a little and looked away. She told me she had spoken with Dr. N, and he said we would schedule a D&C for Friday morning. Keep in mind this was Wednesday afternoon. A major concern of mine at this point was that I would miscarry at home like I did with B3. That process was not only traumatizing for me, but one of the most painful things I've ever gone through, as well. I told Megan that I just couldn't go through that again. It wasn't an option. She insisted that the only time Dr. N could do the procedure was Friday morning, so I said, "What happens if it starts at home before then?" She said, "Well, you can always call our office or go to the ER." I thought that was a horrible answer for someone as far along as I was! I was honestly shocked that she said that and that was the best they could offer me.
Before I could leave, Megan said I had to go visit with the surgery scheduler to get everything lined out. At this point, I was just wanting OUT of that office, but I went on to see the scheduler like I was asked. When I walked into her office, she was texting with Dr. N because he had a conflict with Friday morning. I signed some paperwork, and then we just sat there in awkward silence while she waited to hear back from Dr. N. Finally, she said, "If you'd like to just go, I can call you with the surgery schedule." I said, "Thank you" and pretty much bolted out of that place. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. My heart was suffocating, and I needed fresh air and to see Chris. I needed to cry, to wail, to break down and let it all out.
I got to the parking lot, and Chris immediately stepped out of the van. He wrapped me in his arms and just held me for a long time. He said the big kids were upset, but doing okay. He had called my parents, and they were on their way. He had also called my brother and tried to get a hold of Russ, our brother-in-law. I was definitely crying and upset, but I still wasn't allowing myself to fully break down because I had to drive myself and my children home. I pulled myself together enough to drive, and about five minutes after leaving Dr. N's office, the surgery scheduler called me to let me know my D&C was scheduled for Friday morning at 8:00am.
After that - while I was still driving - I called my sister and my friends, Tia and Kendall. I just bawled on the phone with them as I told them our baby was no longer with us. And all of them cried with me. Those were some of the worst phone calls I've ever had to make. How do you tell someone that your world just came crashing down at your feet? I asked Kendall to pass the word to Angie and Amy, as I couldn't just continue making phone call after phone call. When we lost B3, I felt bad about not telling everyone in person, but I had no room for those feelings this time. I had to do what was best for me in that situation, and I knew my true friends understood that.
I asked everyone to pray for our hearts, that we would have strength, and that nothing would start at home before my scheduled D&C. It was a very legitimate fear of mine, and the thought of losing my baby at home like I had with B3 absolutely terrified me.
After we got home, my sister stopped by quickly with food for that evening, and I was so very grateful for that. My parents arrived just before 8:00pm, and them dropping everything to be with us meant the world to me. I received messages from my brother, sister-in-law, niece, and close friends just saying they loved us and were praying for us. I can't say enough what it means to have people in our life who are there when you need them . . . we didn't have to ask or work out details or tell them to come. They were just there. And, they certainly weren't the only ones. Over the next few days, the outpouring of love and support for us was overwhelming. The most devastating of times were made a little more bearable by the love of our people.
In a few days, I'll write about the surgery and days that followed. For now, I'm going to end this here.
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