I don't think I've mentioned this anywhere on here yet, but not too long after losing our precious baby Seven, Chris and I decided to give her a name. Giving the baby a proper name is something we didn't do for a long time (like over a year) after losing B3, and we both regretted that. Even after giving him a name, we still always call him "B3" because that's what we called him for so long.
As part of the grieving process, we both felt the need to honor baby Seven by naming her, and we both wanted something to call her. I know that I always referred to her as "Seven" on here, but that wasn't something we really ever called her in real life. We would generally say "the new baby" or "this baby" when planning for her or dreaming about her, so we both had a deep desire for something more proper to call her.
Chris brought the subject of naming her up to me just a few days after we found out she had died. We decided on her name almost immediately. In fact, we didn't even discuss any other name aside from the one we gave her. Her name is one that we had just started talking about around a week before her heart stopped beating. Chris liked it for a boy name, and I liked it for a girl name. And, we both feel like it is the perfect name for our baby.
The name we gave our sweet baby is Bristol.
Also, - and I mentioned this in the post where I recorded the story of losing Bristol (click here if you want to read it) - we did not find out for sure (through a blood test or otherwise) if the baby was a boy or a girl. However, in my mind and heart, the baby was a girl. I always think of her and refer to her as a girl, and Chris feels the same way I do.
So, Bristol's due date was November 19th. My birthday is November 17th, and I was born on my dad's birthday. We were all hoping that Bristol would be born on November 17th and be the third generation with that birthday, and losing that possibility alone was the source of some sadness. A lost baby's due date can be a big trigger of grief and sorrow, but we knew as her due date approached that we wanted a way to honor and remember her little life.
To do this, we decided to spend Saturday, November 18th as a family doing a few special things in memory of Bristol. I wanted the children to be involved in the activities because they love her, miss her, and grieve for her, too. I think Chris and I were both nervous about the emotions the weekend would hold, but we were also looking forward to the opportunity to have time designated for remembering her.
We started the day off by looking through the Hope Box we received not long after Bristol passed. This box holds several items that were given to us in memory of Bristol, and has her name printed out on the box as well as on some of the items. Seeing her name in print soothes my broken heart just a bit. What parent doesn't love seeing their child's name in print?
The box includes this little lamb that the children loved holding and kissing.
It also contained this beautiful Christmas ornament that I love because it says her name.
The children seemed to really cherish looking through the box and talking about Bristol. Brianna did get emotional during this time, but we expected that she would. All the children became very sober as we talked about Bristol, but we felt like it was important for them to work through some of their emotions about losing their sibling.
After looking through the Hope Box, we got in the van to go to a nearby town to do a few other things. On the way there, Brianna and Brenson both colored a picture for Bristol. On the back of his picture, Brenson wrote this:
Although I already knew it was true, seeing it in writing was so comforting to me.
The first stop we made was at Hallmark to find a Willow Tree figurine to display in our house. We have one of these that was given to us on B3's due date, and it's very meaningful to me because I always think of him when I see it. There were many little figurines to choose from, but we all agreed on this one. The little tag says Lots of Love - ever close to my heart.
Our final activity involved picking out a bush to plant in our yard in Bristol's memory. I really wanted a Crepe Myrtle that would bloom every summer, so we visited a local nursery to find just the right one. Chris, Brianna, and Brenson actually picked out the one we brought home because I stayed in the van with the twins. It was very cold and windy this day, the twins both had a cough, and I was battling what I later found out was bronchitis. When Chris brought the "bush" to the van, I had to laugh. It was actually a tree that's close to seven feet tall! It was quite a fiasco putting the thing in our van because it reached from the windshield all the way to the back window. Everyone rode home getting poked by the branches and it was quite ridiculous! But, bringing it home is a sweet and funny memory that we all like to laugh about.
As soon as we got home, Chris planted the tree in our yard. I can't wait to see it bloom (the blooms are supposed to be white) and flower next summer! I'd eventually like to get a little something that says Bristol's name to put by its trunk, but I'm not yet sure what.
As Chris and I were pulling the tree out of the van, we noticed that Brianna had written Bristol's name on it as we were riding home. It made us smile.
If everything had gone according to our plan and our heart's desire, we would have been welcoming a baby into our arms that weekend instead of searching for ways to honor our baby's memory. But, that's not how life goes sometimes. Sometimes, we have to bear unthinkable pain. Sometimes, we have to walk through a real-life nightmare. And sometimes, we have to do things that seem impossible.
There were times when I didn't know how I'd make it through Bristol's due date. The love I have for her is greater than words can express, and the pain of living without her is raw and ugly and real. I prayed often for strength and peace as we approached her due date, and I prayed that my heart would be soothed and comforted by her memory and by hope in greater things. I know there are many others who have lifted us up in prayer during this journey, as well. I am grateful beyond words that by the grace of our God we had a beautiful, peaceful day honoring her memory and her precious little life.
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