Monday, September 25, 2017

The Beard

We found out on May 31st that our baby Seven no longer had a beating heart. The day had been a pretty usual day up until the our appointment with my OB late that afternoon. It was a Wednesday, and Chris had been at work the majority of the day. As was his routine, he had shaved his face that morning before going to work.

After the appointment, our life felt like it had been turned upside down. We were shattered. Finding out your child is no longer living is an event that changes you, and our world felt like it stopped spinning that day. Because of the magnitude of the situation, Chris took some time off work to help me run our house and care for our children after losing Seven.

During those first few days, Chris wasn't shaving. He wasn't intentionally growing a beard, but by the time he went back to work a week later, he had a solid start to one. He decided to continue to grow his beard for 16 weeks as a way to commemorate the life of our baby Seven and the {almost} 16 weeks we had with our precious child. I thought this was a beautiful way for him to honor our baby, even though I don't personally love a beard. 

Initially, he planned to take a weekly beard picture (like I had been doing with my weekly belly pics), but that didn't end up happening. In the dark days of sadness, loss, and grief, we honestly just couldn't remember to do it. However, I have several photos of him during the beard growing period that I'd like to share. 

June 11 - 1 week and 4 days of the beard

June 18 - 2 weeks and 4 days of the beard

June 24 - 3 weeks and 3 days of the beard

June 25 - 3 weeks and 4 days of the beard

July 12 - 6 weeks of the beard

July 15 - 6 weeks and 3 days of the beard (holding a sugar cookie he decorated like himself, ha!)

July 17 - 6 weeks and 5 days of the beard

July 20 - 7 weeks and 1 day of the beard

August 11 - 10 weeks and 2 days of the beard

August 17 - 11 weeks and 1 day of the beard

August 20 - 11 weeks and 4 days of the beard

September 1 - 13 weeks and 2 days of the beard

September 12 - 15 weeks and 6 days of the beard

September 14 - 16 weeks and 1 day of the beard

September 14 - 16 weeks and 1 day after the loss of our precious Seven

Like I mentioned above, I'm not one who really loves a beard on a man. I don't mind it when it is trimmed and groomed short, but I definitely don't care for the longer look that Chris had going. I was actually looking forward to shave day . . . until it came. I was surprised at how much I was triggered by the thought of the beard being gone and by how much of a mess I was on shave day. Grief is messy and difficult to articulate in many ways, but I'm going to try. I felt like the beard was a small connection to the baby, and we didn't have many of those left. It was a bridge between the before and the after. I also felt that the beard represented our grieving period in many ways. It had become quite a conversation piece where ever we went, and it was refreshing to have a reason to say we had lost a baby and were grieving and that is the purpose of the beard. One of the reasons miscarriage and baby loss can be so difficult is because it's not acceptable in most circles to talk about the loss or the pain or the grief, and the beard provided a door for those conversations. I don't always know why some days are so very hard compared to other days, but when it dawned on me that I was having such a difficult day because Chris was having his beard shaved, I was at least able to work through those emotions a little bit. 

And this picture . . . the beard was there one minute and gone the next. I can't help but think how similar it is to the life of our child and our dreams and our hope for the future. It was suddenly gone . . . suddenly vanished . . . suddenly taken away with little evidence that it ever existed. Just like our baby. 

As difficult as it was to say good-bye to the beard and all it represented, I'm also a person that believes in fresh starts. We will never forget our child nor will we really ever stop grieving the loss of that life. However, we know that the grief won't always be quite as powerful as it is right now, and we do hope to move forward in our new normal. One step at a time.


1 comment:

Elaine said...

My heart continues to go out to you and your family. I have thought of you all often through these months. Your family is just the sweetest.